The Legend of Derrick the Terrible

The Legend of Derrick the Terrible

in which the lamest underdog loser teaches the greatest grandmaster an important life lesson

Master Buffman Tuffgai and his three pupils, Gregory the Strong, Camilla the Very Attractive but also Strong, and Derrick the Terrible were standing in front of a great passageway at the bottom level of the famous Dungeon Full of Treasure. They'd fought their way through hordes of monsters, skeletal warriors, evil beasts, bandits, pirates, skeletal pirates, pirate bandits, skeletal pirate bandit monsters, and dangerous robo-monster-bandit-beasts just to get here, the last treasure chamber on the last treasure floor of the last treasure dungeon in the entire world.

Well, honestly Master Buffman, Gregory, and Camilla had done all the fighting. Derrick the Terrible had truly lived up to his name. He had been terrible, and not in the evil warlord sense where you're considered terrible for killing lots of people or whatever. No, this guy was called terrible because he was actually just kinda terrible at killing stuff. The others mostly just let him tag along as a favor to his dad who happened to be Buffman's uncle the King. So Derrick basically just carried their food and bags full of money and weapons and extra underwear and stuff like that.

"Derrick, hurry up and get over here, you worthless dummy!" said Buffman. "I need that magic sword to slay this Ultimate Guardian so we can get the last of the world's secret hidden treasure."

Derrick, in his infinite lameness, had not even noticed the Ultimate Guardian that Buffman referred to. Well, there he was, a big ol' giant Minotaur Dude with a bull head and like twelve horns and giant golden armor and big bloody spikes for knuckles and stuff. Actually, at the moment, he didn't seem to Derrick to be especially threatening because he was just sort of sitting there eating a sandwich. He finished the sandwich, and Derrick watched curiously as the monster reached over and delicately grabbed another sandwich right off the top of a big pile of these sandwiches.

"He's just eatin' a sandwich..." Derrick said.

"Shut up, you dummy!" said Buffman. "It's a monster and it's in our way. I'll just kill this guy and then we'll take his treasure, okay?"

"But..."

"Just gimme that sword."

But when Derrick looked in the weapon bag, he found that there was no magic sword.

"Um, the sword appears to be--Wait-a-minute, you have it!"

Yup, Buffman already had the sword and was juggling it and twirling it and doing all sorts of cool tricks that made him look totally awesome. "Yeah, you slow idiot. While you were lolly-gagging over there daydreaming about sandwiches or whatever I snatched it outta there myself, and you didn't even notice. I'm just that good!"

"Wow."

"Anyways, time to get to Ultimate Guardian stompin'."

And so Master Buffman headed over to where the Minotaur Dude was sitting and started swinging his sword all slick and cool. But then the Minotaur Dude stood up far more quickly than any of them had ever seen even Buffman move and punched Buffman right in the face with his bloody spike knuckles! Buffman flew backwards and landed on the ground and said "Oooof!"

The others ran over to the fallen Master Fighter and helped him up. "Wow, that guy means business!" said Master Buffman. "A lesser man would be dead right now for sure, but well, I'm buff, you know? Hey, come to think of it, maybe you guys should take this guy out, as like, a final test of your skills. Gregory, why don't you start?"

Gregory was a little unsure about taking on a Minotaur Dude who had just clobbered the great and mighty Master Buffman Tuffgai, but he had no choice. So he pulled out his favorite Double Fiery Ninja Swords of Death and charged at the big ol' monster yelling "YEEEAAAARGH!" In a moment, Gregory was right back where he started with a couple of big spike knuckle shaped dents in his forehead.

"Owwww!" he said. "Owwwwwwwwwwww!" It looked painful, but big picture, he was fine. He was pretty buff himself, after all.

Camilla stood there staring at the dents in Gregory's face with her jaw hanging open, like WOW those are deep dents, but then suddenly she realized Buffman was staring at her and tapping his foot with his arms crossed, kinda like, "Weeeeeellllllllllllllll, I'm waiting..."

So Camilla grabbed her Lavender-Scented Super Spear of Feminine Ferocity and ran toward the Minotaur Dude. She was considerably faster than Gregory, so she jumped here and there and darted her spear at the Minotaur Dude's eyes like a hundred times per second, but the Minotaur Dude just swatted her with the back of his hand and she fell down. But wow, she was determined. She got up and came at him again, but again she just got shut down with the back of a giant hand. So she let out a ferocious scream and charged at him doing flips and zipping around like lightning. Derrick thought it was kinda funny watching the Minotaur Dude's eyes rolling around trying to keep track of her, but then he just like, stuck out his arm and suddenly Camilla had stopped and was stuck to one of his giant knuckle spikes. The Minotaur Dude peeled her off his fist and threw her back over to the others and she just lay there with stars twirling around her head.

"Camilla, wow, are you all right?" asked Gregory.

"Yeah," she said, "I think so, but I don't think we're gonna get past this guy. His knuckles are just too spikey."

"Psssssh," said Master Buffman. "You two idiots don't even know how to kill an Ultimate Guardian Minotaur Dude? That's like, something from Master Combat Fighting Kindergarten! Here, let me show you."

So he shut his eyes, sat down with his legs crossed, and started chanting some kinda mumbo jumbo until he starting glowing and levitating in the air. Then all the weapons in their bag started levitating too and flying around him this way and that. The others made space so they didn't get an accidental murderin' dagger in the ear or something, and then Master Buffman's eyes shot open suddenly and he flew towards the Minotaur Dude with fire streaking behind him like a Hellfire missile had just been fired from an AH-1W SuperCobra attack helicopter.

The Minotaur Dude swung his arms one way, stopped for a second, and then swung them the other way as fast as he could, sending himself spinning on his heels like a spikey top of spikey knuckley death. Buffman's weapons all tried to stab him and slice him and poke him and chop him and mince him and fillet him and carve him and finally kill him, but not a single blow could get through this new Ultimate Minotaur Tornado Move. Master Buffman opened his mouth and started breathing fire at him, but the Minotaur Dude just zoomed out of the way. Buffman fired a giant blast of mystical ice summoned from the ethereal spirit realm, but the spinning Minotaur Dude hopped over it in a single deft spinning hop. Buffman fired lasers out of his eyes, but the Minotaur Dude stopped spinning and punched the lasers with his spike knuckles, and the lasers bounced right off, right back into Buffman's eyes, and he went "YOOOOWWWWW, that smarts!" and flew backwards and landed at the feet of his students with smoke coming out of his eyes. The Minotaur Dude went back to eating his sandwiches.

"No, you're right, Camilla," he said. "This guy's knuckles are too spikey even for me. Let's go back to town and just tell the King that there weren't any more treasure rooms. He'll never know the difference."

They started to leave, but then they stopped and looked back. Derrick was just standing there scratching his chin.

"What are you waiting for, Derrick?" said Buffman. "Come on, you privileged moron. If your father wasn't the King, why I'd, I'd, I'd, I dunno what I'd do, but let me tell you, you wouldn't like it."

Derrick turned and faced them. "Don't I get to try?"

"YOU!?" the three great fighters said in unison. "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA," they started laughing, and then they continued with "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA" and finally concluded with "HA HA A HA HA A HA HA HA HA HA A HA!"

"What's so funny?" said Derrick.

"You can't kill that guy, are you kidding me? Don't make me laugh at you again, Derrick, seriously."

"No, watch this." And Derrick strolled over to the Minotaur Dude, who stood up and glared at him, lifting up his fists to show off their spikeyness.

"Don't worry, bro," said Derrick, "I don't really want to fight. I just thought you'd maybe like a friend to eat with."

The Minotaur Dude just stood there, staring at Derrick the Terrible. The others thought for sure he'd pound him and stomp him and make himself a terrible Derrick sandwich. But then, to all of their amazement, the Minotaur Dude's eyes started watering a teensy little bit. A single tear emerged and rolled down his great bull snout and fell onto the ground at Derrick's feet. The Minotaur Dude reached over, picked up a sandwich and tenderly handed it to the little human standing before him, and later they all swore that they had even seen a tiny inkling of a smile on the Minotaur Dude's big ol' bull face.

Derrick took a big bite out of the sandwich. It was a turkey sandwich on toasted country buttermilk bread, with lettuce, tomato, cheddar cheese, and mayonnaise. He gave it about a B- in the big picture, but honestly that was actually pretty good for a sandwich found at the bottom of a deep dirty grimy legendary treasure dungeon so he didn't complain.

"Hey, Minotaur Dude," said Derrick. "Since we're friends now, you wanna see something funny?"

The Minotaur Dude looked down at him, and Derrick took another bite, then another, then another, until finally his mouth was just bursting with big wads of munched up sandwich. Then he held his hands up on both sides, both of them made into fists. He paused, and then he punched his own stuffed mouth from both sides simultaneously so all the food suddenly shot out of his mouth and made a big mess all over the dungeon floor.

First, a tiny chortle came from above, then a chuckle and a muffled snort, then the Minotaur Dude finally broke into full on unrestrained bull-headed laughter and he fell down and rolled around laughing and clutching his stomach. Derrick guessed it had been a while since he'd seen any good comedy, cause honestly it wasn't really that funny, but whatever.

Then the Minotaur Dude stood up and grabbed a big giant bull-handed handful of sandwiches and started stuffing them into his own huge mouth until practically the whole giant pile of sandwiches was crammed in there and his cheeks were bulging out like crazy. Then the Minotaur Dude brought his big enormously spikey knuckled fists up and punched himself in the head from both sides at once, and his whole head exploded in a great shower of blood and brains and sliced turkey and tomato and giant bull skull fragments and cheddar cheese and big globs of bloody mayonnaise and buttermilk bread.

Then, with blood and brains raining down all around him, Derrick the Terrible turned around slowly and faced his "friends" and smiled a big goofy smile and the image froze and a hit rock song started playing while the credits rolled.

The End

Granny (and Some Burst Dreams)

It's all very hazy now. I can't remember how I came to be in this place, but for some reason, it's important that I stay.

I can't remember why I stay. There's nothing preventing me from going outside. Indeed, I go out for fresh air often.

The place is obviously an old abandoned orphanage. There aren't any children here any longer. It's completely empty except for me.

No, that's not true. There is one child, a small South Asian girl, under my protection. I don't think she can leave. Maybe she can, but she won't.

I think she is why I am still here.

She talks often about the old woman who used to be in charge of this place. Apparently, the kids used to call her Granny. I don't remember if I've specifically asked her anything about the old woman. She simply volunteers the information. Mostly I don't listen anyway. I already know everything I need to know about her.

She is evil.

She is coming.

I'm trying to persuade the girl to leave with me, but she doesn't seem to want to go.

"This place is dangerous," I say.

She doesn't answer me. She only talks about Granny.

She does leave the building with me sometimes when I go outside for air. She seems happy enough in this miserable place. But I can't leave her here. She doesn't understand. She thinks Granny means her well. Maybe she does. But I can't let her stay here. She mustn't be here when the old woman comes back.

Every time we go back inside, the girl shuts the door. She always leaves it unlocked for Granny, just in case she returns. I never lock the door. I'm sure it's dangerous, but I intend to get out of here before the old woman gets back, anyway.

We're sitting outside on the porch. I'm talking to the girl, trying to get her to focus. Finally, she seems to be hearing me.

"We need to leave this place," I tell her.

"Why?" she says.

"There are things you don't know."

"About Granny?" she asks with an innocent smile.

I'm not sure what to say now. She doesn't need to know everything.

"Well," I say at last, "it's my job to make sure you're safe. You won't be safe here any longer."

She seems to be thinking.

"I need to take you with me," I say.

Reluctantly, she agrees to leave.

We go back inside to gather our things. This time she enters first, and I shut the door behind us. My muscles are working automatically. I lock the door.

As I'm crossing the living room, the girl is already upstairs. I'm gathering some things for the trip when I realize that this is the first time the door has been locked since I arrived.

Suddenly, I understand.

The old woman has been here the whole time. She knows that I've locked the door. She knows that I want to keep her out.

She is angry.

I turn and fly to the door to unlock it in the desperate hope that it might appease the witch, but I find that though the bolt is thrown, the door is ajar. A mere sliver of the light of dawn shines through. And then the sliver swells and the light fills the room, blinding me.

Then I see her. The old woman has finally revealed herself in the doorway. Her skin bears the pallor of asphyxia. Her hair is of the exact same color, long and stringy, floating stiffly behind her like shards of glass. Her face is short, but very, very round, and protruding from its center is a profoundly long and pointy nose. Her back is hunched over dramatically so that she stands somewhere between three and four feet in height, though upright she would stand about five. In her left hand she is holding what appears to be the carcass of a kangaroo. In her right hand she is holding an enormous three pronged fork.

This, I understand, is meant for me.

I'm not having this. I have a long invisible lance in my hands, and I make good use of it, stabbing her in the gut again and again and again. She is bloodied, but she still comes at me, apparently unphased. I retreat backwards and continue to maim her.

This continues for a while, and finally the witch seems to have had enough. She declares, "I'm resigning! It's no longer good for the kids anyway."

Suddenly there is a red Cadillac outside with the steering wheel on the right-hand side. The driver is a young man who looks like a greaser straight out of the 1950s. In the passenger seat on the left side sits a young woman that I understand to be a marginally famous South Asian film actress, though I have no idea what her name is.

The witch rides away in the back of this vehicle, and that's that.

I go upstairs to find the girl.

~  ~  ~

I don't know what happens next. I woke up. This dream gave me chills, although I lay in bed for a little while thinking about how I would alter the details in a film adaptation to make the dream more terrifying.

I closed my eyes again and I could see the Cadillac's skeleton as though the car's skin and muscle were invisible or removed. The skeleton was formed by long, curved blades like katanas. I've often thought about Ubiquitous Trees* made from blades. They seem to me especially deadly if they appear everywhere at once out of nowhere, simultaneously gouging anything that is anywhere. This was not a U-Tree. It was merely a skeleton, the foundation upon which my subconscious mind had built up a more detailed dream-entity. As my mind was demolishing this particular entity, I returned to the ether and witnessed its skeleton, sort of like observing the wooden framework revealed by tearing away drywall.

I wrote down the details of this dream and then returned to sleep. I drifted wearily in and out of the ether for the remainder of the night, experiencing a variety of burst dreams. These included:

• Being lost at a new school. My class was starting soon, but my schedule was not in my backpack.
• Lying in bed, writing down the details of a dream. I realized that I was dreaming and decided to do some stream of consciousness writing while still dreaming. I distinctly remember writing down some random words strung together incoherently. These were structural words like "because," "after," "in," and "the." Then, I wrote down, "there's a place for me in Heaven, no matter what you think," followed by scribbling frantically, and then, "OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD," whereupon I woke again.
• Running into one of my professors. I asked him if I could still do an Independent Study. He said that I couldn't. The policies had changed and now disallowed what I wanted to do.
• Waiting in a queue of cars, each one being accosted in turn by a very, very shady looking carjacker with a knife. When I was second in line, I resolved to floor the gas pedal and escape when he tried to approach my window. But when he approached, and I tried to floor it, I realized that the car was backwards, I was in the back seat facing backwards, and there were no pedals. I scrambled for the driver's seat as the carjacker started scratching the window with his knife.

 Amongst others that I must have forgotten.

~  ~  ~

* Please see the end of The Ubiquitous Shredded Chicken Tree for more on U-Trees.