tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-337266898257111442024-03-05T03:52:08.127-08:00Subterranean EtherLuke vs. His Subconscious -- Be Warned! This is not a very interesting blog!Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.comBlogger77125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-26089044947399350312016-09-12T23:13:00.000-07:002016-09-12T23:13:31.103-07:00A Right Proper Pirate Raid<div class="MsoNormal">
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<i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick tock, tick, tock, tick, tock…</i></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The room was mostly austere. There was a small table in one corner on which sat
several small casks of gun-powder with black boot logos painted on them. There
was an off-white canvas sheet covering a small heap of junk or clutter or
something. There was a small window on one wall, through which one could see
the entirety of the Black-Booted Bay, so called because it was the location of
the Black-Booted Fortress, headquarters of that scurvy rapscallion of a pirate,
Black-Booted Bernie the 3rd. There were two wooden doors on two of the other
walls. And on the fourth and final wall yet to be described there was not a
single thing at all, except for a picture of some pretty flowers in a purple
vase and a lightswitch with a little skull and crossbones themed border around
it and two ornate black cast-iron sconces with five glowing light bulbs each mounted
in the corners and the clock ticking and tocking and like a single scrap of
torn wallpaper hanging off the wall.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Well, the clock on the wall went on ticking and tocking and ticking and
tocking. It’s what clocks did while they were waiting for something to happen,
and this clock was certainly no exception to that rule. The rule to which this
particular clock <i>was</i> an exception was the rule that clocks usually
are not persons. This was the Fabled Tick-Talking Clock of Person-Being. It
opened its eyes and looked this way, and then thattaway, and then thissaway
again. And then it sighed. Nothing was happening in this small room. You’d
think the Black-Booted Fortress of a Black-Booted Evil Pirate Captain Lord
would have a lot more of interest going on.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But no, all that was going on for this clock to listen to was its own unending
mantra of <i>tick tock tick tock tick tock</i>. Even talking Clocks can’t
shut up their own ticking. That would be kind of like stopping one’s own heart
from beating and we all know how that usually turns out.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So the Clock looked out the window and saw nothing but a bunch of boring clouds
and a bunch of boring water and a boring ol’ pelican grabbin’ a boring ol’
fish. The Clock sighed again and shut its eyes. Wow, it was bored.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Then it opened its eyes again in surprise when one of the wooden doors opened
suddenly and a very out-of-breath pirate ran into the room. He had spectacles
on and black boots and was not smiling. He shut the door again and ran through
the room and opened the other door and ran through it right on out of the room
again.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The Clock blinked. And then it blinked again. And then the pirate poked his
head back into the room and shut the door, leaving the room as it had been
before he had entered.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The Clock blinked again. But then it heard something. “Get back here,
Black-Booted Bernie, you dirty pirate of a rascal!” shouted someone from
somewhere beyond the first door. Then that someone burst into the room,
knocking the door clean off its hinges with a single kick. It was some kinda
pirate with a plain ol’ small regular pirate hat and a golden cutlass in his
hand. Well, he ran through the room and also kicked down the other door and
went through it.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Gotcha!” the Clock heard the pirate say. “Stop right there, Black-Booted Bernie!”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Curses!” came the response from the other pirate with the spectacles and the
black boots. “It’s Captain Arrrrenan!”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The Clock’s eyes widened and it gasped. “Wow!” it said.</div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">~ ~ ~</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><div style="text-align: justify;">
Captain Arrrrenan ran through the small room and into the next room. It
appeared to be a luxurious pirate captain’s quarters with a big Black-Booted
bed and gold coins and rubies and treasure maps and assorted skull and
crossbone themed paraphernalia scattered all around.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
There was also a Black-Booted bespectacled pirate standing in the middle of the
room.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Gotcha!” said Captain Arrrrenan. “Stop right there, Black-Booted Bernie!”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Curses!” said Black-Booted Bernie. “It’s Captain Arrrrenan!”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Ye got that right, ye scurvy ol’ rogue of a scourge! For ten minutes I been
chasin’ ye all o’er this here Black-Booted Fortress o’ yours and now I gotcha
rightly cornered! So it’s time for ye to die or else beg for mercy!”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Wait!” said the Black-Booted pirate. “I’m not Black-Booted Bernie!”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Ye can’t fool me, Bernie, ye ol’ scoundrel! I see them Black-Boots o’ yours.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Nay, ‘tis the right and proper troof!” he insisted. “Me ain’t no Black-Booted
Evil Pirate Captain Lord.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“If what ye says is tha troof, then why doncha proof it to me ‘stead of
yammering with that ol’ jaw’ve yers? And maybe I won’t skewer ye to death.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The lyin’ dog of a pirate turned and hung a large black-framed picture frame on
the wall over the big Black-Booted bed. He stood back, and when Captain
Arrrrenan looked upon the picture frame he saw that it was a large full body
portrait of his scourge of a nemesis, Black-Booted Bernie, complete with
spectacles and Black-Boots and everything.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Then Captain Arrrrenan looked at the pirate he’d been chasin’ and gasped!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Without the large black-framed portrait in the way, he could see this truly
weren’t no Black-Booted Evil Captain Pirate Lord at all. T’were a plain ol’
scurvy underling of a pirate! His boots were regular ol’ brown, and he had no
spectacles upon his face at all. He didn’t even have a pistol or cutlass or
nuthin’, just a dirty ol’ feather duster in one hand and a bottle've off-brand
chemical cleaning agent hangin’ from his hip.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Curses!” said Captain Arrrrenan. “Ye fooled me with yer’ tricksy disguise!
Where’s yer Evil Pirate Captain Lord?”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“I’ll tells ye,” said the plain ol’ pirate. “He’s on sabbatical from pillagin’
and plunderin’ so’s he can be searchin’ for a new Great Gunsmith since that ol’
master of a gunsmith Grant Granterson retired last week. Black-Booted Bernie
told me he was leavin’ to do that and I was to mind his pictures and his
favorite casks of gunpowder and dust ‘em twice a day. He ain’t here, so just
set the thought’ve murderin’ him outta yer mind!”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Curses again!” said Captain Arrrrenan. “I done successfully raided this here
Black-Booted Fortress all by meself and not a single right defeated and proper
slain eternal-sworn arch-nemesis of a Black-Booted Foe t’ show fer it. S’enough
te drive a pirate right up the wall with anger!”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
As if to punctuate the point, Captain Arrrrenan casually swung his golden
fightin’ cutlass and chopped that great portrait in two right down the middle
and two half Black-Booted Bernies fell down on either side of the room.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Arrrrrrr!” cried the other pirate. “Me handywork! All that dustin’ and
cleanin’ for naught!”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And the pirate drew his bottle of chemical cleaning agent and starting sprayin’
it at Captain Arrrrenan with all his might! But Captain Arrrrenan just knocked
it out of his hand with the hilt of his golden fightin’ cutlass.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So the pirate swung his feather duster hither and thither with great gusto, but
once more Captain Arrrrenan knocked that out of his hand with a well-placed
front kick.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But the pirate, right and proper enraged by the destruction of his Evil Pirate
Lord’s favorite portrait, still didn’t give up! He started kickin’ and punchin’
and just generally floundering with his lame pirate fightin’ skills. And so
Captain Arrrrenan got so frustrated that he stuck out one thumb and poked him
right in the eyeball.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Ow ow ow ow!” said the pirate, holdin’ his face.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“There!” said Captain Arrrrenan. “I done poked outcher eyehole. That makes me
yer new master pirate lord, them’s the rules.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Yessir, so’s they are and fair’s fair,” said the pirate, nodding his head and
pullin’ an eye-patch out of his pocket and puttin’ it on over his ruined eye.
“Ye poked out me eye fair and square and that means from today until the end of
all piratey days of piratey doin’s, this here scoundrel by the name o’
Custodial Skip is yer good and loyal servant.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Captain Arrrrenan sheathed his golden fightin’ cutlass and smiled a big piratey
smile. “So’s ye are, but from now on yer name’s One-Eyed Skip. By the by, I got
me a bully custodian a’ready, so ye’ll be on fightin’ duty once I get ye right
proper trained.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Yo Ho Ho!” said One-Eyed Skip.</div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">~ ~ ~</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><div style="text-align: justify;">
The Clock was still busying itself being a person and just generally
eavesdropping on the previously described encounter since it couldn't really do
anything else except just passively go <i>tick tock tick tock</i> and
so on and so forth, when the two pirates came back into the small boring room.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Okay, One-Eyed Skip,” said Captain Arrrrenan. “Ye keep a lookout on that door
o’er yonder while I help meself to these here casks of gunpowder. I had me eyes
set on nemesis-destroyin’ but seein’ as that ain’t possible, I’ll settle for
doin’ a little gunpowder stealin’ instead.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So Skip set about pointin’ his looker at the door while Captain Arrrrenan
turned his back and started to pack up the casks.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Well a moment later, the Clock saw someone come through the door. It was a
large dangerous looking rogue, to be sure, with thirteen single shot pistols
hangin’ all over his muscular frame and a silver killin’ knife hangin’ from his
side and a big wide-brimmed leather pirate captain’s hat on his head. The Clock
looked at this scoundrel and raised its eyebrows. Then it looked at One-Eyed
Skip, and raised its eyebrows a little more. Skip was lookin’ at the door into
Black-Booted Bernie’s private bedchamber, not the door out into the
Black-Booted Hallway, so he didn’t even see the new pirate come in. And so the
Clock looked back over at the newcomer and raised its eyebrows again ‘cause
this big villain of a scoundrel drew one of his single shot pistols and leveled
it right at Captain Arrrrenan’s backside and pulled the trigger.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Yow!” said Captain Arrrrenan, takin’ a bullet right in the back and spinnin’
round and facing his attacker. “Who’re you?”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The big pirate smiled a big piratey grin with several gaps in his big ugly
pirate teeth. “I’m Thirteen Bullet Barry, the nastiest ol’ nasty ye’ll ever
meet! And the one to be killin’ ye! I heard about how ye got offa that deserted
island me ol' master Evil Pirate Captain Lord Black-Booted Bernie the 3rd right
proper deposited ye on and ye didn't die like ye was s'posed te nor even lose
an ounce a weight from right proper starvin'. But if ye thought all ye had
comin' to ye was a little island starvation then ye'd better think again!” The
Clock raised its eyebrows a bit more as Barry drew another single-shot pistol
and fired it right into Captain Arrrrenan’s chest.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Oy!” said Captain Arrrrenan, “Stop it, that hurts! Skip, ye scurvy rogue, why
didn’t ya warn me ‘bout this scallywag afore he shot me?”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
One-Eyed Skip shrugged. “Sorry, Cap'n. S’only one eye on me face now so’s I
couldn’t watch both doors all at the same time. And ye didn’t really specify
which door ye meant so I did the ol’ eeny meeny routine and alas it came up the
wrong way.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Aye, s’a fair point, so’s it is. Nevermind.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Thirteen Bullet Barry fired a couple more single-shot pistols on Captain
Arrrrenan and after an “Ow” and an “Ow” Captain Arrrrenan asked, “Skip, why
ain’t ye helpin’ me fight off this here ruffian?”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
One-Eyed Skip shrugged. “Sorry, Cap'n. Ye ain’t done me fightin’ trainin’ yet
and I don’t wanna mess this up, and besides, ye right proper emancipated me
from me best weapons a second ago.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Aye, s’a fair point too. Nevermind.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Well, the Clock watched as the big pirate kept drawin’ his single-shot pistols
one by one and emptyin’ their chambers into the pirate captain, and each time a
bullet was fired the Clock raised its eyebrows a little more until at last
after thirteen bullets had hit Captain Arrrrenan the Clock’s face was really
starting to cramp up with the strain. Captain Arrrrenan fell backwards onto the
small gunpowder cask table and clutched his chest and stopped moving.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Arrrrrrrr!” said Thirteen Bullet Barry, walking over to the fallen pirate
captain. “That ought’ll teach ye to be burglin’ me favorite Black-Booted Evil
Pirate Captain Lord.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Well, the Clock’s eyebrows weren’t done raising yet, since just as T.B. Barry
got within punchin’ distance of Captain Arrrrenan, the brave pirate captain’s
eyes shot open and looked right into Barry’s villainous eyes. “Ye think a mere
thirteen bullet wounds to me body’s gonna stop me, ye ol’ fool of a joker?”
Then Captain Arrrrenan, still clutchin’ a cask of gunpowder, punched Barry in
the gut so hard that his belly was right proper punctured and then he pulled
his hand back out again without the cask.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Take this, ye nasty ol’ scurvy dog of a Black-Booted Evil Pirate Captain Lord’s rogue
of a second-rate miscreant of a crony!” shouted Captain Arrrrenan. Barry
reached for his killin’ knife, but Captain Arrrrenan was a touch faster and
when Captain Arrrrenan punched him again right in the gut, he punched with such
force that the gunpowder ignited and Thirteen Bullet Barry exploded into
thirteen little Barry pieces scattered all over the small boring room.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The Clock’s eyebrows just lifted right off its face at this point and fluttered
gently to the ground. Captain Arrrrenan spotted them and then looked right at
the Fabled Tick-Talking Clock.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Whoops,” said the Clock. “Busted!”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Aha!” said Captain Arrrrenan. “One of Black-Booted Bernie’s spies! I’ll hand
it to me ol’ nemesis, he surely knows how to get his spies into the most remote
and exotic of places. I can’t never keep the scallywag outta me business and
so’s he’s always figurin’ out me plans and—Skip, why ain’tcha lookin’ at this
here magic Tick-Talkin’ Clock with me?”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
One-Eyed Skip shrugged. “Sorry, Cap'n. Me eyesight ain’t so good as it used to
be since me vision range got right proper halved in half when ye done poked out
me favorite eye-hole.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Aye, s’the fairest point ye’ve made so far, me bucko. Nevermind.” And Captain
Arrrrenan walked over to the Clock on the wall and delicately cleaned a chunk
of Barry’s guts off its topside and looked right into its two beady little
magic Clock eyes and frowned.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Ye listen well, ye good-fer-nuthin bilge-rat of a Black-Booted Pirate Lord
servin’ magic Clock of a villain,” said Captain Arrrrenan. “Why ain’tcha
announce yer presence sooner like a right proper polite buckaroo?”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The Fabled Tick-Talking Clock of Person-Being answered him in a right proper
dignified fancy English professor accent. “My apologies, Captain Arrrrenan. The
issue is that I've had such a scarcity of recreation for so many months and
become so thoroughly accustomed to having nothing to fill my time nor even so
much as a single civilized person to speak with, that I found my enthusiasm for
speaking had drained right out of me, leaving me but a veritable shell of a
Magic Talking Clock rather than the loquacious fellow you would be perfectly
reasonable to expect.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Well, I ‘spose that makes sense,” Captain Arrrrenan said, scratchin’ his chin.
“S’prolly right proper boring to hang on a wall all the time, ain’t it?”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
One-Eyed Skip came over and eyeballed his last remainin’ eyeball at the clock
as well. “Wow, lookit the time, Captain Arrrrenan, it’s four-thirty already?”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Curses!” said Captain Arrrrenan. “I meant to be done with me dirty deed and
outta here by quarter to four and here I am foolin’ around explodin’
Black-Booted Evil Pirate Captain Lord servin' enforcers and chattin’ up the
local magic timepieces.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Captain Arrrrenan turned and found Thirteen Bullet Barry’s head and plucked off
his wide-brimmed leather pirate hat and took off his own ol’ stinkin' dungball
of a hat and tossed it out the window onto the water of the Black-Booted Bay
where it was immediately eaten by a great white shark. Then he put the new
right proper hat on his head and gathered up the rest of Black-Booted Bernie’s
favorite casks of gunpowder and turned again and said, “come on, One-Eyed Skip,
time to go.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But he stopped at the door and turned to look at the Clock, “Hear me well, ye
ol’ dirty snake of a Clock. I ain’t done with yer master Black-Booted Bernie.
Ye best be warnin’ him I’m comin’ for him again once he’s done romancin’
gunsmiths or whatever right proper villainy he’s up to. And he’d better have
more up his nasty ol’ sleeve of his’n just thirteen bullets and remote desert
starvation islands or he’s gonna have a hell of a bad day! And ye too if ye
don’t mind yerself! Don’t think I won’t smash a clock just cause I feel sorry
fer ya that ye can’t walk or play cards or nuthin, but seriously though that
sounds pretty boring and I feel right proper sorry for ye.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Don’t worry about it,” said the Clock.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And then Captain Arrrrenan walked right on out of that Black-Booted Fortress
with One-Eyed Skip followin’ behind him.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Then the Fabled Tick-Talking Clock of Person-Being blinked and blinked and
ticked and tocked and got right back into its unending mantra of <i>tick
tock tick tock tick tock</i>.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Best day ever!” said the Clock. “Wow!”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The End.</div>
</span>Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-78850695207871130872016-09-08T16:12:00.000-07:002016-09-12T22:58:30.333-07:00A Small Pirate Spiel<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">Once upon a time there was a small pirate ship with a small crew of ten small pirates living on it. One day, one of the crewmembers by the name of Ol' Jim Crankyface found that his chest full of rusty old bent up bottle caps was missing.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Arrrrrr!" croaked Ol' Jim, "some scallywag's pinched me favorite treasure box!" He raised the problem to the rest of the crew and demanded to know who the thief was.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"S'just bottlecaps," said One-Eyed Skip. "No great loss or nuthin'."</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Ol' Jim found this quite an irksome attitude. "They's was me own treasure, so's they was! How'd ya feel if'n I stole ye torn up scraps've ol' newspapers?"</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Skip laughed. "Ya think I care 'bout them scraps? They's just lining me parrot cage so's to facilitate cleanin' up the dung."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"I'll cleave ya to the brisket!" shouted Crankyface.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But Captain Arrrrenan put a prompt end to the bickering before any swords could be drawn with a tip of his wide-brimmed piratey captain's hat and but a few well-chosen words:</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"><o:p></o:p></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;">
</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Me buckos</span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Treasure's treasure and dung is dung</span></i></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">A bottlecap pilfered's a rogue's heart stung</span></i></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Now hear me well and do mind yer true duty</span></i></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Ye'll search this small ship and find the lost booty</span></i></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Ne'er a rogue's things should e'er go gone and missing</span></i></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>So if the thief be found, Davy Jones he will be kissing</i></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"><i></i><o:p></o:p></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">You see, while they were truly pirates of a most reprehensible breed, the captain ran a fair ship according to rightful libertarian pirate principles. Never a pirate of his crew or a free passenger on his ship should ever have their private effects damaged or stolen or they'd be answering to the captain directly, and he wasn't a merciful man. 'Course the ship's law ended right there and so a violent hand raised against man, woman, or child outside the ship was good pirate form fair and true. But between brother rogues there was to be no violence or theft.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And so with a hearty "Yo Ho Ho" the ten small pirates searched the small pirate ship and quickly found the chest of bottlecaps hidden under the wooden steps leading down into the galley. The thief was not found. And that was that.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Until the next day when the bottlecaps went missing once more. Ol' Jim complained all the louder and Captain Arrrrenan gave the same speech as the day before and the ten small pirates resumed their Yo Ho Ho-ing and searched the small pirate ship and once more found the bottlecaps hidden under the wooden steps. And once again the thief was not found. And that was that.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Until the next day when the bottlecaps went missing yet another time. This time, however, Ol' Jim rose in the night and found them gone and ventured out onto the deck where he spied a dark and shady figure holding the chest. "Caught red-handed, ye arrrrr!" And Ol' Jim shouted, "Buckos! Me buckos! Avast! To arms, the thief!"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">He couldn't tell who the thief was because he was wearing a mask. In fact, he was wearing a full body black latex costume with a black cat theme.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As the other pirates emerged from below deck they saw the villain and shouted "The thief! The thief! Who be the thief?"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Ye'll never figure out who me is!" the roguish rogue declared! "Ye'll never see through me super-villain cat-burglar costume!"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"It's One-Eyed Skip!" said Two-Eyed Joe.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Wuzza?" said the thief. "How'd ye see through me costume ye veritable super sleuth!?"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Captain Arrrrenan handled that one:</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"><o:p></o:p></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;">
</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Me buckos</span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">A scoundrel's a scoundrel, a thief is a thief</span></i></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Mysteries and quandaries put pirates through grief</span></i></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But counting is easy and we men count ten</span></i></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Yet nine do I count and I'll count 'em again</span></i></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">There's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine!</span></i></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I know all yer names, and I surely know mine</span></i></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">One face is not here now, that is easy to see,</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">whether wearing one eye-patch or zero or three</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The pirate now missing ain't Joe, Jim, or Zip</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>'Tis plain the masked villain is named: One-Eyed Skip!</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"><i></i></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"><i></i><o:p></o:p></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;">
</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The thief pulled off his mask and sure enough it was a one-eyed pirate with but a single eye-patch and a face that surely belonged to the rogue named Skip. He shouted, "Curse ye and yer basic logic, ye scurvy nerds!"</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The scoundrel made for the mainmast and clambered as clamberingly as he could up the ropes towards the crow's nest. But a dearth of eyes made for a dearth of depth perception and while his effort was truly impressive, his inability to find sure footing on the ropes made his climb quite the challenge. And so he slipped and found himself dangling helplessly with his foot caught in a tangle.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Help me, me buckos!" he cried. "I'm caught!"</span></div>
<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So they climbed up and cut him loose and brought him down and took away the chest of bottlecaps and gave it back to Ol' Jim.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Ye stole me bottlecaps," said Ol' Jim.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Yarrr," said One-Eyed Skip that thieving scurvy dog of a thief.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Why fore'd ye do it, ye scallywag?"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Yarrrrrrrr," said One-Eyed Skip, "yarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..." he said, scratching his chin, pondering his response, "yarrrr..."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And at last he answered:</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"><o:p></o:p></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;">
</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">A pirate has dreams</span></i></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>A scoundrel has wishes</i><br /><i>Me wishes ye not makes me sleep with the fishes</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">For wishes be pow'rful</span></i></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And dreams not relenting</span></i></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Do goad, push, and prod me to deeds now repenting</span></i></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Tis always me hunger</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Since I's but a child</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">To bag a bit o' glee 'n be a wee bit o' wild</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">To adorn a cat costume</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And burgle me best bucko</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And pinch his paltry treasure and (alas) press me lucko</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So be ye not vengeful</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Me most fairest of friends</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Tha's me dark secret, and there's me tale ends</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"><i></i></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"><i></i><o:p></o:p></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;">
</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The other pirates blinked. And they stared. And then they stared and blinked and stared some more. They didn't know quite what to think, so they just blinked and they blinked and they stood there and stared. Well, at last they took pity on him because he seemed quite pathetic. And besides, each one of them would be lying if they'd said they hadn't thought seriously about experimenting with illicit latex-costumed cat-burglary.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And Ol' Jim Crankyface, though his crankiness was legendary, came forward and was the first to lay a hand of forgiveness and understanding on the shoulder of the villainous man who'd taken his most trifling of treasures. And with tears streaming down the deep cranky wrinkles of his cracked and knotted face, he said, "Surely ye be me best bucko still now, and forever ye'll be me friend though ye stole me best box o' nuthins."</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Yo Ho Ho!" they all cried, and again, "Yo Ho--"</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!</span></b></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">A huge blast of a cannon burst broke up the merry scene and then a cannonball tore right through the railing on one side of the ship and struck One-Legged Jonesy right in the back of his one remaining leg and he flipped over and flopped all around like a little pirate rag doll that had just been hit by a miniature cannonball.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Avast!" cried Captain Arrrrenan. "It's that scurvy dog of a dirty rapscallion Black-Booted Bernie the 3rd. Arrrrrrrrr, me good-fer-nuthin' lost long half-brother of an arch-nemesis!"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Captain Arrrrenan was so angry that he himself readied his favorite pirate cannon for firing. First he carefully poured in the powder, and though he was super angry he was a pretty solid pirate captain so he kept his cool and was careful to load just the right amount. Then he pushed in the wad and then the biggest most deadliest cannonball he had with a red skull and crossbones painted on it even, which he'd been saving for just this very occasion. He rammed all that stuff down in there to the breech, and then he took the lit cigar out of his mouth and paused to say "Take this you dirty ol' sunnuva nasty rotten scallywag!" before he lit the fuse and turned around and put his fingers in his ears. (Safety first. Maintaining healthy ears is very important.)</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">BLAMMO!</span></b></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The cannonball soared through the air over the water and for a few seconds there right smack dab in between the two small pirate ships the cannonball drifted in slow motion and it might have seemed to an observer who was watching a movie that there was a brief moment of calm and serenity and peace where the sweet-ass pirate theme music faded away to leave the soothing sounds of the ocean churning its pleasant little song of water lapping against the wood of two small pirate ships and maybe the call of a seagull or two, and strangely enough it was as though the red painted skull and crossbones was smiling a little piratey smile. But then the cannonball snapped out of its little slow motion calm before the storm moment and careened smoothly over and crashed right through the mast of Black-Booted Bernie's ship. First there was a little creak, and then a little crack, and then the mast started tipping over, and then it really started falling down, and though a couple badguy pirates tried to hold it up, it was just too heavy and it fell down and pinned a couple badguys under it. "Owwww!" they cried. "Arrrrrrrrr! Ow."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Well, the ships were right next to each other now, so all of Captain Arrrrenan's crew grabbed their swingin' ropes and swung right on over there to the other ship. Arrrrenan himself firmly held his rope with one beefy muscle arm while mid-swing he expertly drew his golden fightin' cutlass with the other and deftly lopped off three of Black-Booted Bernie's underlings' heads with a single swipe.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Get over here, Bernie!" Captain Arrrrenan shouted. "You broke my ship's railing! And you're gonna pay for it to be repaired!"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Oh yeah," shouted Bernie, "well, you broke my mainmast, so maybe you should pay for that, huh?"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Psssh," said Captain Arrrrenan. "That was done in self-defense, that doesn't count! Now get over here and gimme your coin-purse!"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Ha ha ha ha!" laughed Bernie. "No way! Come and get me!" And he scampered off towards the poop deck.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Captain Arrrrenan made a motion to One-Eyed Skip and Ol' Jim Crankyface to follow him and the three of them made a Triple Pirate Flying V Formation and chased after the nefarious black-booted pirate. A scurvy dog wearing a bandana and holding a knife in his teeth leapt out of a nearby barrel going "YARRRR!" and swingin' his cutlass at Ol' Jim, but luckily this guy was coming from the side of One-Eyed Skip's face that still had an eye on it, so Skip managed to turn in time and chop him hard right in the brisket, whatever that was.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Skip," said Ol' Jim Crankyface, "ye saved me life!"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>You see,</i><i> </i>thought Captain Arrrrenan about not having executed Skip for his wrongdoing.<i> That's why forgiveness is always the best policy. </i>Just as he finished thinking the profound thought, he hacked a couple of Bernie's pirates down and rushed towards the poop deck.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Just as he almost got there he saw a big pirate coming down the stairs.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Aw crap," said Captain Arrrrenan to his two teammates. "This'll be Bernie's number one best UFC Fightin' Shaolin-Trained Champion First Mate Gun-Totin' Gary!"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"That's right, Captain Arrrrenan," said Gun-Totin' Gary. He pulled out his two seven-chambered silver revolvers, one with a glistening ruby handle and the other with a shimmering emerald handle, obviously taken very well care of and polished regularly even though this guy was a lazy ol' underachieving pirate first mate and not even a proper ship captain like any respectable pirate fightin' champion ought to be. He went on, "I've got fourteen bullets here with your name on them, and (Nota bene) I made absolutely sure to get fourteen shots ready for you 'cause I heard about you and how you survived that encounter with my cousin Thirteen Bullet Barry. Well, if you thought all you had comin' to you was a mere thirteen bullets then think again!"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And with that Gun-Totin' Gary pointed his revolvers and started alternately pullin' the triggers on both the ruby and the emerald handled weapons as quick as fourteen quick little lightning bolts. He made sure to count carefully so he didn't look like a doofus pulling the triggers on empty guns after he'd fired all the rounds. And then he spun his dual revolvers on his fingers and slotted 'em back into their proper holsters. And finally he looked at Captain Arrrrenan to make sure he had died.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And then he gasped!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Captain Arrrrenan had simply pulled off his hat and held it in front of his chest and caught all fourteen bullets with it.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"What the...?" said G.T. Gary. "How'd you survive? What hat is that?"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Ha ha ha," said Captain Arrrrenan. "Yes, the stories are true. I can only survive up to and including thirteen bullet wounds, and of course that means that a full course meal of fourteen lead bullets would surely be my last. But you failed to realize one thing."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">He paused for effect.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"You see, Gun-Totin' Gary," he said. "After I pulverized that cousin of yours, Thirteen Bullet Barry, I helped myself to his hat, which in my infinite knowledge of esoteric artifactual magic items I'd instantly recognized as the Legendary Impenetrable Leather Pirate Hat of Bullet Immunity.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Later on I'd asked around the grapevine and learned the story of how he got it. He'd taken it from his brother Sharp-Eyed Rifle-Wielding Randy after pushin' him down the stairs and shootin' him thirteen times in the back, which, as you know, was his signature move. See, Randy had drunk all of Barry's rum and when Barry decided to make a mojito he found his rum cask empty and figured out who had done it and killed him in a crime of passion.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Well, then their father the Great Gunsmith Grant Granterson was pretty mad 'cause he'd given Randy the hat as a birthday present, not even realizing that it was an ancient magical artifact of mystical usefulness. Plus, one of his sons had just killed his other son, so there's that too. Pretty annoying for a dad.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Anyway, Barry fled and wound up hiding out in Bernie's stronghold, the Black-Booted Fortress, having joined up with Bernie's crew long before you had worked your way up to being Bernie's First Mate. Well, since you were there, you probably know this part of the story, so wait a sec, lemme go back to the part about how Grant Granterson even got the hat in the first place. You see-"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Shut up!" Gun-Totin' Gary leaped forward and drew his larger-than-normal scimitar. (He was a large guy though, so it looked like a regular sword when he held it.)</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But Captain Arrrrenan ducked out of the way and spun around to G.T. Gary's back side and slashed him open on one side with his golden fightin' cutlass. Half of Gary's muscles fell out through the hole and one arm deflated to become the arm of a wimpy little teenage nerd.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Hey!" G.T. Gary said. "I need those muscles to fight!"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Yeah, well, tough beans!" said Captain Arrrrenan, and as G.T. Gary turned to smash him with his other arm, Captain Arrrrenan promptly slashed open the other side of G.T. Gary's torso, and all the rest of his muscles fell out, and then G.T. Gary wasn't nearly so tough any more. G.T. Gary tried punching Captain Arrrrenan, but his punches just kept bouncing off 'cause he was all out of muscles and had no more strength.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"That's what I call a... a..." started Captain Arrrrenan, but he couldn't think of a clever one-liner, so he shrugged and just nudged G.T. Gary off the side of the ship where he splashed into the water and immediately got eaten by a great white shark.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Then he turned and raced up the stairs to where Black-Booted Bernie was waitin' for him up on the poop deck.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Now," said Captain Arrrrenan, "you're in some deep poop!" Hey, he tried, okay?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"I don't appreciate your tone, Arrrrenan!"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"That's Captain Arrrrenan!"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Oh right, Captain Arrrrenan, sorry. I don't appreciate your tone, Captain Arrrrenan, you dirty ol' dog of a scurvy pirate!"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Well, too bad!" said Captain Arrrrenan. "I'm here to get repayment for that railing you broke on my ship!"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"I'm not paying for that! It was broken when I got here! It would have just fallen apart anyway."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"No, Bernie-"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"That's Black-Booted Bernie!" retorted B.B. Bernie.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Oh right, my apologies," said Captain Arrrrenan. "Black-Booted Bernie. You broke my pirate ship railing! Why'd ya do it for?"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Black-Booted Bernie got a serious look on his face. He grimaced and he straightened his spectacles, and then turned and faced away from Captain Arrrrenan. Then he said in a stern voice, "you raided my Black-Booted Fortress and stole all my favorite casks of gunpowder. I didn't appreciate that very much, Captain Arrrrenan, I surely did not. Besides, I thought you were, like, some libertarian or anarcho-capitalist or something. What ever happened to the NAP?"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"No, no, no," said Captain Arrrrenan. "This is a really common misunderstanding. I'm a <i>pirate</i> libertarian. It's totally not even the same thing at all."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">B.B. Bernie turned and scoffed. "What?"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Captain Arrrrenan explained. "In my little fantasy world, the NAP only extends as far as my crew and any other free passengers on my ship, like old college roommates or my lawyer friend who lives back in Port Royal, sometimes they come and get a ride on my ship, you know?"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Seriously?" said B.B. Bernie.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Yeah, I explained this at the beginning of the story, did you forget? Oh, uh... uh... I mean... you scurvy dog of a scallywonk?"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"I think you lost track of what this story was supposed to be about, Captain Arrrrenan."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Captain Arrrrenan scratched his chin. "Hmmmm, maybe you're right. Let's try this conversation again."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And he turned around and went right back down the stairs off the poop deck and then came right back up.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Gotcha, Black-Booted Bernie!" said Captain Arrrrenan. "Gimme that coin-purse!"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Why?"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"You broke my pirate ship railing! Why fore'd ye do it?"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">B.B. Bernie straightened his spectacles, turned and thought for a moment, then turned and answered:</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;">
</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>My friend</i><br /><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Sometimes in this pirate life</i><br /><i>A pirate does what a pirate must do</i><br /><i>And when a pirate does do what a pirate does</i><br /><i><i>Then a pirate...</i></i><br /><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Captain Arrrrenan leapt forward and chopped off B.B. Bernie's head mid-stanza and caught the coin-purse before it hit the ground. He punted B.B. Bernie's head and it landed in a cannon on the main deck, and Captain Arrrrenan signaled to Fuse-Lightin' Fred to let 'er rip. He lit the fuse and the cannon fired and B.B. Bernie's head soared through the air over the water and for a few seconds there right smack dab in between the two small pirate ships, the pirate head drifted in slow motion and it might have seemed to an observer who was watching a movie that there was a brief moment of calm and serenity and peace where the sweet-ass pirate theme music faded away to leave the soothing sounds of the ocean churning its pleasant little song of water lapping against the wood of two small pirate ships and maybe the call of a seagull or two, and strangely enough it was as though the face on B.B. Bernie's head was smiling a little piratey smile and gave a wink even.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"><b></b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"><b></b><b></b><o:p></o:p></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;"></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: start;" /></span>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 18.48px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The End.</span></div>
</div>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">
</span><o:p></o:p>Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-44785475352604991212016-09-06T17:58:00.000-07:002016-09-06T17:58:19.003-07:00The Legend of Derrick the Terrible<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The Legend of Derrick the Terrible</span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">in which the lamest underdog loser teaches the greatest grandmaster an
important life lesson</span></i></div>
</i>
</span><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Master Buffman Tuffgai and his three pupils, Gregory the Strong, Camilla the
Very Attractive but also Strong, and Derrick the Terrible were standing in
front of a great passageway at the bottom level of the famous Dungeon Full of
Treasure. They'd fought their way through hordes of monsters, skeletal
warriors, evil beasts, bandits, pirates, skeletal pirates, pirate bandits,
skeletal pirate bandit monsters, and dangerous robo-monster-bandit-beasts just
to get here, the last treasure chamber on the last treasure floor of the last
treasure dungeon in the entire world.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Well, honestly Master Buffman, Gregory, and Camilla had done all the fighting.
Derrick the Terrible had truly lived up to his name. He had been terrible, and
not in the evil warlord sense where you're considered terrible for killing lots
of people or whatever. No, this guy was called terrible because he was actually
just kinda terrible at killing stuff. The others mostly just let him tag along
as a favor to his dad who happened to be Buffman's uncle the King. So Derrick
basically just carried their food and bags full of money and weapons and extra
underwear and stuff like that.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Derrick, hurry up and get over here, you worthless dummy!" said
Buffman. "I need that magic sword to slay this Ultimate Guardian so we can
get the last of the world's secret hidden treasure."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Derrick, in his infinite lameness, had not even noticed the Ultimate Guardian
that Buffman referred to. Well, there he was, a big ol' giant Minotaur Dude
with a bull head and like twelve horns and giant golden armor and big bloody
spikes for knuckles and stuff. Actually, at the moment, he didn't seem to
Derrick to be especially threatening because he was just sort of sitting there
eating a sandwich. He finished the sandwich, and Derrick watched curiously as
the monster reached over and delicately grabbed another sandwich right off the
top of a big pile of these sandwiches.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"He's just eatin' a sandwich..." Derrick said.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Shut up, you dummy!" said Buffman. "It's a monster and it's in
our way. I'll just kill this guy and then we'll take his treasure, okay?"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"But..."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Just gimme that sword."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But when Derrick looked in the weapon bag, he found that there was no magic sword.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Um, the sword appears to be--Wait-a-minute, you have it!"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Yup, Buffman already had the sword and was juggling it and twirling it and
doing all sorts of cool tricks that made him look totally awesome. "Yeah,
you slow idiot. While you were lolly-gagging over there daydreaming about
sandwiches or whatever I snatched it outta there myself, and you didn't even
notice. I'm just that good!"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Wow."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Anyways, time to get to Ultimate Guardian stompin'."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And so Master Buffman headed over to where the Minotaur Dude was sitting and
started swinging his sword all slick and cool. But then the Minotaur Dude stood
up far more quickly than any of them had ever seen even Buffman move and
punched Buffman right in the face with his bloody spike knuckles! Buffman flew
backwards and landed on the ground and said "Oooof!"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The others ran over to the fallen Master Fighter and helped him up. "Wow,
that guy means business!" said Master Buffman. "A lesser man would be
dead right now for sure, but well, I'm buff, you know? Hey, come to think of
it, maybe you guys should take this guy out, as like, a final test of your
skills. Gregory, why don't you start?"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Gregory was a little unsure about taking on a Minotaur Dude who had just
clobbered the great and mighty Master Buffman Tuffgai, but he had no choice. So
he pulled out his favorite Double Fiery Ninja Swords of Death and charged at
the big ol' monster yelling "YEEEAAAARGH!" In a moment, Gregory was
right back where he started with a couple of big spike knuckle shaped dents in
his forehead.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Owwww!" he said. "Owwwwwwwwwwww!" It looked painful, but
big picture, he was fine. He was pretty buff himself, after all.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Camilla stood there staring at the dents in Gregory's face with her jaw hanging
open, like WOW those are deep dents, but then suddenly she realized Buffman was
staring at her and tapping his foot with his arms crossed, kinda like,
"Weeeeeellllllllllllllll, I'm waiting..."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So Camilla grabbed her Lavender-Scented Super Spear of Feminine Ferocity and
ran toward the Minotaur Dude. She was considerably faster than Gregory, so she
jumped here and there and darted her spear at the Minotaur Dude's eyes like a
hundred times per second, but the Minotaur Dude just swatted her with the back
of his hand and she fell down. But wow, she was determined. She got up and came
at him again, but again she just got shut down with the back of a giant hand.
So she let out a ferocious scream and charged at him doing flips and zipping
around like lightning. Derrick thought it was kinda funny watching the Minotaur
Dude's eyes rolling around trying to keep track of her, but then he just like,
stuck out his arm and suddenly Camilla had stopped and was stuck to one of his
giant knuckle spikes. The Minotaur Dude peeled her off his fist and threw her
back over to the others and she just lay there with stars twirling around her
head.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Camilla, wow, are you all right?" asked Gregory.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Yeah," she said, "I think so, but I don't think we're gonna get
past this guy. His knuckles are just too spikey."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Psssssh," said Master Buffman. "You two idiots don't even know
how to kill an Ultimate Guardian Minotaur Dude? That's like, something from
Master Combat Fighting Kindergarten! Here, let me show you."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So he shut his eyes, sat down with his legs crossed, and started chanting some
kinda mumbo jumbo until he starting glowing and levitating in the air. Then all
the weapons in their bag started levitating too and flying around him this way
and that. The others made space so they didn't get an accidental murderin'
dagger in the ear or something, and then Master Buffman's eyes shot open
suddenly and he flew towards the Minotaur Dude with fire streaking behind him
like a Hellfire missile had just been fired from an AH-1W SuperCobra attack
helicopter.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The Minotaur Dude swung his arms one way, stopped for a second, and then swung
them the other way as fast as he could, sending himself spinning on his heels
like a spikey top of spikey knuckley death. Buffman's weapons all tried to stab
him and slice him and poke him and chop him and mince him and fillet him and
carve him and finally kill him, but not a single blow could get through this
new Ultimate Minotaur Tornado Move. Master Buffman opened his mouth and started
breathing fire at him, but the Minotaur Dude just zoomed out of the way.
Buffman fired a giant blast of mystical ice summoned from the ethereal spirit
realm, but the spinning Minotaur Dude hopped over it in a single deft spinning
hop. Buffman fired lasers out of his eyes, but the Minotaur Dude stopped
spinning and punched the lasers with his spike knuckles, and the lasers bounced
right off, right back into Buffman's eyes, and he went "YOOOOWWWWW, that
smarts!" and flew backwards and landed at the feet of his students with
smoke coming out of his eyes. The Minotaur Dude went back to eating his
sandwiches.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"No, you're right, Camilla," he said. "This guy's knuckles are
too spikey even for me. Let's go back to town and just tell the King that there
weren't any more treasure rooms. He'll never know the difference."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">They started to leave, but then they stopped and looked back. Derrick was just
standing there scratching his chin.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"What are you waiting for, Derrick?" said Buffman. "Come on, you
privileged moron. If your father wasn't the King, why I'd, I'd, I'd, I dunno
what I'd do, but let me tell you, you wouldn't like it."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Derrick turned and faced them. "Don't I get to try?"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"YOU!?" the three great fighters said in unison. "HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA," they started laughing, and then they continued with "HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA" and finally concluded with "HA HA A HA HA
A HA HA HA HA HA A HA!"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"What's so funny?" said Derrick.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"You can't kill that guy, are you kidding me? Don't make me laugh at you
again, Derrick, seriously."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"No, watch this." And Derrick strolled over to the Minotaur Dude, who
stood up and glared at him, lifting up his fists to show off their spikeyness.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Don't worry, bro," said Derrick, "I don't really want to fight.
I just thought you'd maybe like a friend to eat with."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The Minotaur Dude just stood there, staring at Derrick the Terrible. The others
thought for sure he'd pound him and stomp him and make himself a terrible
Derrick sandwich. But then, to all of their amazement, the Minotaur Dude's eyes
started watering a teensy little bit. A single tear emerged and rolled down his
great bull snout and fell onto the ground at Derrick's feet. The Minotaur Dude
reached over, picked up a sandwich and tenderly handed it to the little human
standing before him, and later they all swore that they had even seen a tiny
inkling of a smile on the Minotaur Dude's big ol' bull face.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Derrick took a big bite out of the sandwich. It was a turkey sandwich on
toasted country buttermilk bread, with lettuce, tomato, cheddar cheese, and
mayonnaise. He gave it about a B- in the big picture, but honestly that was
actually pretty good for a sandwich found at the bottom of a deep dirty grimy
legendary treasure dungeon so he didn't complain.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Hey, Minotaur Dude," said Derrick. "Since we're friends now,
you wanna see something funny?"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The Minotaur Dude looked down at him, and Derrick took another bite, then
another, then another, until finally his mouth was just bursting with big wads
of munched up sandwich. Then he held his hands up on both sides, both of them
made into fists. He paused, and then he punched his own stuffed mouth from both
sides simultaneously so all the food suddenly shot out of his mouth and made a
big mess all over the dungeon floor.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">First, a tiny chortle came from above, then a chuckle and a muffled snort, then
the Minotaur Dude finally broke into full on unrestrained bull-headed laughter
and he fell down and rolled around laughing and clutching his stomach. Derrick
guessed it had been a while since he'd seen any good comedy, cause honestly it
wasn't really that funny, but whatever.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Then the Minotaur Dude stood up and grabbed a big giant bull-handed handful of
sandwiches and started stuffing them into his own huge mouth until practically
the whole giant pile of sandwiches was crammed in there and his cheeks were
bulging out like crazy. Then the Minotaur Dude brought his big enormously
spikey knuckled fists up and punched himself in the head from both sides at
once, and his whole head exploded in a great shower of blood and brains and
sliced turkey and tomato and giant bull skull fragments and cheddar cheese and
big globs of bloody mayonnaise and buttermilk bread.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Then, with blood and brains raining down all around him, Derrick the Terrible
turned around slowly and faced his "friends" and smiled a big goofy
smile and the image froze and a hit rock song started playing while the credits
rolled.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The End</span></div>
<o:p></o:p>Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-25812051109330148092016-04-15T09:40:00.000-07:002016-04-15T09:58:25.353-07:00The Domineering Baby<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I was just hanging out in the bar at the hotel when this mafia boss who had somehow been transformed into a baby started threatening me. He kept saying "you'd better X" and "you'd better not Y" and so on. I didn't want any trouble, so I kept responding "okay, sure" and "okay, all right, no problem" and "yeah, I can do that" and "don't worry, I wouldn't do that" and so on and so forth. But e</span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">ventually I got so fed up with this guy that I gave up and just started beating him up.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The bartender said, "are you sure that's a good idea?"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">"What?" I said. "You think he has a gun in his diaper or something?"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">"Well, he might."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">"Psssh. In a size 3? If he had a size 5 on I'd be worried. But a 3? Forget about it."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Finally, I kicked him out the door and went back to the bar. But then I saw through the window that he suddenly transformed back into his normal, regular, plain ol', adult, non-baby self, complete with a suit and tie and everything. He pulled a pistol from his inside coat pocket and headed for the bar.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Crap. Well, I started running away. For a while he was chasing me all over the hotel, and I figured eventually he would calm down and the whole thing would just blow over. Or if it didn't I guess I could just hide out in a cave up in the hills with a diaper rifle. I mean, sniper rifle. Dammit.</span></div>
Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-83091051368922027852015-09-17T10:02:00.000-07:002015-09-17T10:02:30.004-07:00Wax Michael Jackson and Funny Clothes<div data-redactor="1" style="font-size: 14.6666669845581px; line-height: 20.533332824707px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14.6666669845581px; line-height: 20.533332824707px;">Last night I dreamed that I read this news headline somewhere: "Wax museum featuring figures performing 'Thriller' dance moves does not include figure of Michael Jackson."</span></div>
<div data-redactor="1" style="font-size: 14.6666669845581px; line-height: 20.533332824707px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div data-redactor="1" style="font-size: 14.6666669845581px; line-height: 20.533332824707px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I woke up and thought it was funny for some reason. Then I went back to sleep. Once I was again in the dreamworld I starting thinking, "I should really tweet that funny headline that I read in my dream. What was it again? Oh yeah, 'Museum featuring celebrities wearing funny clothes does not include Michael Jackson.' What a riot!"</span></span></div>
Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-2462563609385120252015-09-09T10:35:00.000-07:002015-09-09T10:35:33.667-07:00The Joker and the Submarine<div style="text-align: justify;">
I dreamed that I was a crew member on a nuclear submarine. We captured the Joker and forced him to do work for us. You know, free labor, like the Suicide Squad or whatever that's about. Anyway, we sat him down at a work station and gave him clear instructions NOT to push the button that fires the nuclear missiles. But he did it anyway! Some people just don't listen, you know?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />Actually, come to think of it, it would have been a pretty good gag if pushing the button just made a punching bag come out of the wall and hit him in the face.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
* * *</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This dream was obviously inspired by the scene in <i>Batman: The Movie</i> where the Joker is on the Penguin's sub and is the one who pushes the "fire torpedo" buttons. I showed this movie to my three-year old because he loves Batman but most other Batman media is a little too scary for him. He seems to have liked it a lot. Occasionally he asks me if he can watch it again.</div>
Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-39851276816578983912014-12-03T01:08:00.003-08:002014-12-03T01:08:55.351-08:005000 Page Views!<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And it only took me four and a half years! Plus, I think a lot of those page views were from bots or something. :P</span>Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-35860326710694985062014-08-13T10:51:00.000-07:002014-08-13T10:51:32.656-07:00Catchup - Abstract Strategy<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><a href="https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/catchup-abstract-strategy/id718429890?mt=8"><img border="0" src="http://a4.mzstatic.com/us/r30/Purple5/v4/8f/f8/a0/8ff8a0d8-8c09-d02b-20ca-b68d98264030/screen568x568.jpeg" height="640" width="360" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/catchup-abstract-strategy/id718429890?mt=8">Catchup - Cool Abstract Strategy Game</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This is a new iOS implementation of a cool abstract strategy board game called Catchup. The game was designed by <a href="http://nickbentleygames.wordpress.com/">Nick Bentley</a>, and the app was implemented by <a href="http://chesstris.com/">Martin Grider</a>.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It is good! But these guys need more people to buy the game, so please, if you have any interest in abstract board games and have an iOS device, then consider buying this game!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">There's even a well-implemented AI opponent that automatically adjusts to your skill level to keep you challenged.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Go get it!</span></div>
Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-63559471693778999702014-07-09T09:32:00.003-07:002014-07-10T09:20:00.876-07:00Catching Up on some Short Dreams<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Hi! Just a quick catching up post to describe a few vaguely interesting dreams I had over the past couple of weeks (dreams are what this blog is primarily about, right?).</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I had a dream in which I was a policeman trying to stop four teenagers from vandalizing a closed store. When I say vandalizing, I mean that they were inside the store basically destroying all the furniture inside to the point that standing on the street outside the store I heard loud crashing and wood breaking noises. The youths came out of the store, and I told them to get on the ground. They did so, but soon they got up and started running away from me. I pulled out my gun and starting telling them to halt (I think I said "halt," not "freeze"), but they didn't, so I started trying to shoot them, but my gun wouldn't fire. Instead of a trigger, it had a power switch like you'd find on the back of a computer. Like one of these guys:</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://web.cecs.pdx.edu/~eas199/B/equipment/pictures/purchases/Rocker_Switch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://web.cecs.pdx.edu/~eas199/B/equipment/pictures/purchases/Rocker_Switch.jpg" height="316" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Eventually, I figured out that it was a revolver with an external hammer mechanism and I was failing to cock it manually, but by this time the hooligans had escaped me.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Another dream I had involved a duck being trapped in a large animal's mouth that looked like a second floor window. I mean, it was like a building, except I understood the building to be a creature of some kind and the window to be its mouth. Weird.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Anyway, the duck was afraid for its life and for the life of its egg, which it was holding in its mouth. I beckoned for the duck to simply jump out of the window to safety, which the duck did. But for some reason the duck neglected to fly and fell to the ground, slamming its head against the pavement. The egg fell from the duck's mouth and rolled away safe and uncracked, but the duck began dizzily sauntering about, clearly seriously injured. I felt bad for having recommended that the duck leap from the window, but I guess it sacrificed itself to save its egg? I don't know. Weird dream.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In a third dream my wife and I were sneaking into a high security warehouse district in search of the new textbooks for the upcoming school year. I guess we wanted a sneak peek? At one point I turned a corner and found myself looking directly into the lens of a security camera, and I was like, "oops." But whatever, nothing happened. We found the books, and I was very excited to look at the physics book. It had a pink cover.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The first dream (the one with the gun and the teenage vandals) was interesting in that normally when I use a gun in a dream, I don't actually have a gun but rather simply pretend to have one and make gun noises and then get frustrated that my imaginary gun is completely ineffectual. Of course, I keep trying, but it never works. In this dream, I had a gun in my hand. Perhaps the difference was that I was a policeman, and so it came with the uniform? Anyway, the gun was ineffectual all the same.</span></div>
Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-53124711691608669832014-03-13T13:35:00.001-07:002014-03-13T13:35:21.512-07:00Nope, No Time for a 7DRL<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I will not be creating a 7DRL for the 2014 Challenge this year. I don't have the necessary motivation for that right now.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Instead, I think I'm going to stay up late and work on music for <a href="http://whimindie.com/home/games/selatria/">Selatria</a> (which I should have been doing anyway, so...).</span>Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-78802361326758764012014-02-21T20:05:00.000-08:002014-02-21T20:05:21.372-08:007DRL Challenge 2014 - Two Weeks Away<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It seems that the <a href="http://www.roguebasin.com/index.php?title=7DRL_Challenge_2014">7DRL Challenge for 2014</a> is going to happen during the week following March 8th. Yikes! Where has the time gone? </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I </span><a href="http://subterranean-ether.blogspot.com/2013/03/7drl-challenge-2013-uushuvud-end-of-day.html" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">created a 7DRL last year</a><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> that turned out rather well, so while </span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">it really is a challenge, I know I'm capable of it. Today an idea came to me for what I might try to create if I did enter. So I'm fleshing out the details, trying to work out what is feasible and worthwhile and what is </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">difficult </span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">and unnecessary. I am excited! I'm not really sure if I'll end up having enough time to manage it, but I think that's a crucial part of what makes the 7DRL Challenge fun.</span></div>
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<a href="http://touchingharmstheart.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/at.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://touchingharmstheart.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/at.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-11892825571791958312014-01-15T16:50:00.000-08:002014-01-28T16:12:39.595-08:00Rattus Sculptoris<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">One of my neighbors is a rat.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I don't mean that he tells the police what criminals are doing.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The kind of rat I mean is </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Rattus mindorensis</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">, the Mindoro black rat. This kind of rat usually lives in the Phillipines, not America, but my neighborhood is unusual. It is popular amongst wealthy and eccentric immigrants. I do not know why.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I have become friends with my rat neighbor. Sometimes I see him poking his head out of one of several little windows on the front of his house, and I start a conversation with him. His name is Iqougguef, but he had to spell it out for me before I could understand what he was saying. I asked if his name was common in rat society, and he said he had never known any other rats by that name. He said that it was derived from the name of a god worshipped by ancient rats. The advent of Postmodernism in rat culture has made religion unpopular.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Iq is a sculptor. I used to see new works that he had completed sitting on the grass in front of his house, but he has started putting his sculptures in his backyard because the other neighbors were stealing them. They do not recognize that rats can legally be property owners.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The sculptures are usually carved from columns of basalt that Iq has imported from Iceland. He polishes the sculptures to make them shiny and black. Many of them are depictions of ordinary objects like ceiling fans and street lamps, though I think seeing these objects carved from basalt makes them seem special. I once asked if I could purchase one, but he told me that he doesn't sell them. I often wonder how he gets the money to buy the stone or to pay the mortgage on his house, but I do not ask because I think it would be rude. Basalt is a very hard stone, so Iq uses powerful machinery to help him carve it. Even if he used soapstone, I think he would need the machinery because he is a fairly small rat. He is also very shy. He doesn't let me watch him sculpt.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">But Iq often invites me and my son into his studio when he is not working. My son plays quietly, and Iq and I sit and drink coffee and watch his pet birds wandering through the garden in his backyard. There is a large rock face and two tall wooden fences surrounding the garden. To the birds the garden is a perfect little sanctuary and the sculptures are like ordinary rocks or trees. The largest of Iq's birds is a blue heron that never makes a sound. One of the other birds is a guineafowl that makes a sound like a crow. "Ka ka ka ka ka ka ka!" he says. The heron watches him solemnly like an old man watching his grandchild.</span></div>
Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-56957039211648179252013-12-26T09:20:00.001-08:002013-12-26T09:29:43.557-08:00Physics in Motion<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I own a small building downtown, and one of the units in that building is rented out to a fitness company that holds classes, the sort you might see taking place in a gym. Karate, cycling, Tae Bo, you know the sort of thing I'm talking about.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Well, the other day I was down there checking up on things, and a karate class was just finishing up. Now, there was an aerobics class of some kind called Physics in Motion, which was supposed to start right afterwards. Unfortunately, as far as I could tell, the instructor wasn't there. She simply didn't show up. Of course, the people taking the class were there, and they wanted their exercise!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Obviously, I too wanted them to have their exercise. I wanted their money! So I did the only natural thing that any reasonable property owner would do, which was to pose as a substitute instructor and lead the class myself. I gave a little spiel which proceeded in a manner similar to the following:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"So, everyone gather around, Physics in Motion is going to begin. Your regular instructor isn't here tonight, but apparently I'm some kind of fitness expert, so I'm going to lead instead. You see, in aerobics we move our bodies a lot, and I guess the basic idea is that you sweat a lot and therefore start burning fat or something like that. I don't know, but people do this stuff, so I guess it works. Anyway, today's animal is the speed leopard! Er... I think it was maybe the cheetah? Nevermind, let's get started."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So I started to jog very lightly in place, and the people enrolled in the class followed suit.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"This feels pretty good. Starting to feel the burn. Yeah, that's good! Getting in shape!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We continued to jog in place like this for about a minute.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Let's just keep this up! This is good! Nice form, everybody!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Finally, someone said to me, "I don't think this is going to work."</span>Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-46107346083347774462013-12-10T16:45:00.000-08:002014-01-09T14:44:52.151-08:00A Case for Emotional Correctness<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">First of all, <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/sally_kohn_let_s_try_emotional_correctness.html">Sandy Kohn's TED talk about emotional correctness</a> is relevant to the present discussion, and in fact, prompted me to write it, though the thoughts that follow have been boiling in my mind-kettle for some time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I intend to argue roughly that anger is counterproductive to serious debate about important controversial issues, and in fact, irrational.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">When you feel very strongly about something and hold a very strong opinion about it, possibly on account of having conducted a careful and thorough rational analysis, it is easy to view those with whom you disagree as simply being unethical morons. That is, it's easy to feel justified in disregarding your opponents' opinions via a line of thinking that amounts to something like:</span><br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">On account of my careful and thorough reasoning, my stance is the ethical and rational one.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Thus, if my opponent had considered the issue as seriously and as carefully as I have, then he or she would agree with me.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My opponent disagrees with me.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Therefore, my opponent has either failed to consider the issue seriously and carefully to a satisfactory degree or else has done so but nevertheless holds a different stance because he or she is unethical, irrational, or stupid (possibly some combination thereof).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Engaging in a serious debate about an important issue without considering the issue seriously and carefully is itself unethical, irrational, and stupid.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Ergo, my opponent is unethical, irrational, or stupid, and probably all three.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Unethical and irrational morons do not deserve to be treated with respect.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Therefore, I shall disrespect my opponent.</span></li>
</ol>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In my estimation, this is very common. However, I also consider it to be very rude, but also very counterproductive because it tends to cause the focus to be drawn away from exploring the issue and placed onto the goal of defeating one's enemies by any means necessary.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">For instance, suppose Drew and Glenn are debating the issue of abortion and have this brief exchange:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Drew: I think abortion should be banned.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Glenn: So you support rising child homeless rates? I can't understand how you are willing to hold such a position!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Or possibly:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Glenn: I think abortion should be legal.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Drew: So you support the murder of babies? I can't understand how you are willing to hold such a position!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Both of these cases are problematic because in each case the indignant responder projects particular ethical assumptions on the other person, who probably doesn't make those assumptions. They also erroneously assume particular reasoning on the part of the other person (i.e. no one wants to ban abortion specifically because doing so will increase teenage homelessness, and similarly no one supports its being legal specifically because they want babies to be murdered). But unfortunately, this is not an extreme hypothetical situation. These are the sorts of things we actually hear people say with respect to this issue.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But suppose I am very, very, very convinced that my opponent's stance is completely immoral or incorrect. Am I justified in being angry at them for their immoral position? Possibly, but if you are so angry, then it is </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">at least</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">wise to make a conscious effort not to let it affect your performance in an intellectual debate.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">However, I argue that it is better to avoid such anger when possible, and especially with respect to issues that are very controversial. The reason why is that it undermines the importance of the issue. If the opinions on an issue are divided roughly equally, even amongst intellectuals, then it stands to reason that there exist seemingly rational means of arriving at either opinion (for the sake of argument, let us suppose it's a binary decision in question). One's anger about the opposing opinion seems to imply a belief that the correctness of the correct answer is roughly obvious provided you think about it reasonably carefully. In essence, rather than saying (implicitly) "my opponent disagrees with me because of their use of a different argument, one which I consider invalid but which a reasonable person in their fallibility might consider valid, which is undesirable but still morally acceptable" you are saying (again, implicitly), as I suggested above, "my opponent disagrees with me not because of an ultimately invalid but </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">seemingly </span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">correct argument, but rather because they are stupid or immoral or both, and this is bad, bad, bad!!!" However, given that it seems rational to assume that there exist apparently rational means of arriving at either opinion, the second attitude is actually likely an irrational one. It is the attitude of a person who presupposes that their own reasoning is not only flawless but also obviously correct to anyone who will hear it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Am I saying that in debating important real life issues we should be emotionless robots? No, of course I am not. It is natural to become angry at what we perceive to be immoral attitudes. What I am saying is that it behooves us to rein in that anger and give the benefit of the doubt to those with whom we disagree and presume that their actual reasoning (of which we are initially unaware, since it is someone else's reasoning) is at least worthy of genuine examination, because it is by doing so that we dignify the importance of the issue under discussion.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Emotional correctness, as Sally Kohn puts it, supports this motive, and emotional incorrectness is in stark opposition to it. The example Kohn uses is a good one. Someone who claims to hate immigrants doesn't necessarily actually hate immigrants because they're just a hateful person who has chosen to be immoral and mean. It is probably because of some other emotion, such as fear, which we can easily identify with and understand. This is the common ground that Kohn seeks to find. I believe we should all seek to find it.</span>Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-78855481589392135472013-10-24T22:22:00.000-07:002013-10-24T22:22:03.079-07:00Null Terminator - In the Presence of My Enemies<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As I've mentioned before, I am producing an EP and a full length album for Galactitronic Super-Space-Composer Null Terminator. The last track I posted was from the EP, which should be released first, though I still have no idea when it will be completed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Anyway, I felt like officially sharing another track, though this one had already been available. I simply had never really pointed it out on this blog before. This will be the third track from the full length. I should add that while the EP will probably be 100% composed by Null Terminator, this track is in fact almost completely my own composition, so on the full length I suppose I will be credited as co-composer, which is good, obviously, because I have been wanting to get into the professional musicdom for a long time now.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><a href="https://soundcloud.com/erenan/null-terminator-in-the">Null Terminator - In the Presence of My Enemies</a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<iframe frameborder="no" height="166" scrolling="no" src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=https%3A//api.soundcloud.com/tracks/37817241" width="100%"></iframe>Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-62764531956365399562013-10-14T18:52:00.000-07:002013-10-14T18:52:27.001-07:00Interval Permutations<pre style="white-space: pre-wrap; word-wrap: break-word;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Drew F. Nobile has written an article called "<a href="http://www.mtosmt.org/issues/mto.13.19.3/mto.13.19.3.nobile.php">Interval Permutations</a>" about how interval sequences can be permuted in order to produce different pitch class sets that are audibly related. Of particular interest is his example 18, a graph that depicts all of the possible relationships made by such intervallic permutation between tetrachordal set-classes. I have created my own version of this graph to emphasize the natural symmetry present:</span></pre>
<pre style="white-space: pre-wrap; word-wrap: break-word;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">
</span></pre>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ0qMJYYhCWvWEB3nOtxiw4V6Q7ICVroVfWEYWt5SB26BL1MjKs5GM4RpJWmJ1uOWTzLluNgD6Iq7ljbLMvqzHQRyDrzqInti8baJATY_hxINuX7fi3Y5PfyHSjenQBKFS49zoY2x5RA/s1600/TetrachordalPitchClassSetsRelatedByIntervalPermutation.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ0qMJYYhCWvWEB3nOtxiw4V6Q7ICVroVfWEYWt5SB26BL1MjKs5GM4RpJWmJ1uOWTzLluNgD6Iq7ljbLMvqzHQRyDrzqInti8baJATY_hxINuX7fi3Y5PfyHSjenQBKFS49zoY2x5RA/s640/TetrachordalPitchClassSetsRelatedByIntervalPermutation.png" width="451" /></a></div>
<pre style="white-space: pre-wrap; word-wrap: break-word;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">
</span></pre>
Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-15594601038129290832013-07-08T12:05:00.005-07:002013-07-08T12:06:31.103-07:00Source Code for Uushuvud Released<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I have made the source code for my 7DRL Uushuvud available <a href="http://www.mediafire.com/download/0o2groltqn33bbp/UushuvudSource.rar">here</a>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I wrote the code in the span of about five days, so don't expect masterfully clean code. This could surely be improved in many ways.</span>Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-38999958981590611032013-05-02T20:54:00.000-07:002013-10-24T22:25:52.593-07:00Null Terminator - Electrotechnics<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">For those who don't know, I have been co-producing (approx. 75%) and co-writing (approx. 25%) the first full length album of the talented Galactitronic Space Composer/Superhero named Null Terminator for some time now. Half finished with it, work on the album has begun to suffer from the stagnation of creative momentum. This is for a lot of different reasons, but it's actually kind of fine, since I really ought to be keeping up with work on <a href="http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/selatria">the other thing I'm writing music for</a> anyway.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So I asked NT to write six tracks for an introductory EP to gently make the world aware of his music. I reasoned that such an album would be more easily completed than the full-length, and it would probably help to flush our clogged creative buffers.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Apparently, it was a good idea. Just a few days after I made the suggestion, he sent me the first new score, from which the following track is derived. This is really just a rough preliminary mix. I'm not really sure how the final cut will sound, but it'll probably be pretty much like this:</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><a href="https://soundcloud.com/erenan/null-terminator">Null Terminator - Electrotechnics</a></span></div>
<br />
<iframe frameborder="no" height="166" scrolling="no" src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=https%3A//api.soundcloud.com/tracks/90536356" width="100%"></iframe>Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-52497316472785726792013-04-16T07:11:00.000-07:002013-07-08T22:33:40.280-07:00Outwitters: No Spawns! (Part Two)<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Once more I am talking about...</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj24aEJAUJkZqu-nxCYYJ4eoSNlmxAjj6KbWFU5iaUB4yc6hoMWUNqhgWKggpBs0pfB1zLjaqU9czTpKjdfP7nEPQz6g1L3rbVltXfoEutj7taPTWY_ax3Q0lp9CatlX7fNP3ahPay90A/s1600/outwitters+title.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="137" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj24aEJAUJkZqu-nxCYYJ4eoSNlmxAjj6KbWFU5iaUB4yc6hoMWUNqhgWKggpBs0pfB1zLjaqU9czTpKjdfP7nEPQz6g1L3rbVltXfoEutj7taPTWY_ax3Q0lp9CatlX7fNP3ahPay90A/s400/outwitters+title.png" width="400" /></a><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">...so if you are not deeply interested in this video game, then you might find this entry to be just a little bit boring.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Playing Outwitters without spawning any new units is a very different experience from the normal mode of play and presents its own unique challenges. In the <a href="http://subterranean-ether.blogspot.com/2013/01/outwitters-no-spawns-part-one.html">previous entry</a>, I discussed a particular position of units in the endgame of a match played on Long Nine. That entry focused on the idea that without spawns, the game becomes much more like Chess, and it becomes all the more important for the players to attempt to calculate who will emerge victorious in any given exchange of units prior to initiating that exchange. Veteran Chess players will be very familiar with this concept. However, there are some very important differences between Chess and Outwitters, and to me it seems worthwhile, even in the context of a fringe alternative play style, to explore some general principles that one must keep in mind. One of the most important principles that I realized as I played my way through the Micro Strategic Starting Units Tournament was this:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Adopt the most aggressive position possible without endangering your units.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This is probably much more evident from my play late in the tournament than at the beginning, and in fact, I think the application of this strategy is perhaps most clearly seen in this penultimate game played on Sweetie Plains against !_elle_!. Thus, I felt that for the second entry of the Outwitters: No Spawns commentary series, a move by move analysis of my thought process in playing this particular match would be most appropriate. I’ll also provide a few comments on moves made by my opponent, but I’m mostly going to focus on why I made the moves I made and where I might have made better moves.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">P1: !_elle_!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">P2: TheGreatErenan</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Map: Sweetie Plains</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><a href="outwitters://viewgame?id=ag5vdXR3aXR0ZXJzZ2FtZXIRCxIIR2FtZVJvb20Y9Nm7Agw">Link for iOS devices</a> <a href="http://osn.codepenguin.com/replays/view/ag5vdXR3aXR0ZXJzZ2FtZXIRCxIIR2FtZVJvb20Y9Nm7Agw">Link for PCs</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Turn 2 (Erenan): My primary point of thinking in my first turn is to ensure that my opponent cannot capture my medic, sniper, or runner. I don't think she would actually do any of these things, as this would be far too risky of a move for not being allowed to spawn new units, but I want to be absolutely sure they are safe.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So I work out the most aggressive hexes that her runner could have moved to on turn 1. None of these hexes are within reach of my sniper, so I decide to keep it where it is this turn. I think the best thing is to boost the runner and ensure the medic can't be reached. If she had advanced her runner as much as possible on the right side of the map, then she could theoretically capture my medic, so I move my runner in the way, boost it for safety, and hide my medic behind it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I leave my heavy where it is and move my soldier to the wit space to ensure I'd have plenty of wits later on.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Turn 4 (Erenan): My opponent has had two turns now, allowing plenty of mobility, so I need to regain visibility in the center of the map. But where exactly should I put my runner? My opponent's runner can't capture it, so I need only consider her heavy, soldier, and sniper. Her sniper obviously can't be a threat at this point. Her soldier most likely stepped on the wit space in turn 1. If it didn't, it could theoretically be anywhere in the fog on the right side of the map. I doubted it would be very far up though, as this would be overly aggressive, and in any case, I suspected that I'd win out in the ensuing exchange if my opponent were to attack at this point. The heavy couldn't really be anywhere especially threatening. So I put my runner on my central spawn space, safe from the heavy, and almost certainly safe from the soldier.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">After gaining visibility, it seems my opponent has not been too aggressive. Now, I need to boost my sniper, but I want to guarantee the safety of both sniper and medic. Her runner could be anywhere at the edge of the fog of war. I realize here that if I put my medic next to my sniper, then I can block her runner's access to it with my heavy. Seems like a good move to me, so I do it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I advance my soldier. Strictly speaking, this move is a gamble, theoretically putting it within reach of my opponent's heavy. However, I decide that her heavy had probably been on the wit space in turn 1 and wouldn't be able to reach it, so I move my soldier a hex too far south, risking its safety for an extra five hexes of visibility and reach.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Turn 6 (Erenan): I start off with a visibility grab with my runner. Technically, this is putting my runner within reach of where my opponent's soldier could have been, but I decide to go for it anyway.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I've spotted my opponent's heavy! This is useful information. I know the furthest west her sniper could be, and I decide to assume that it was her soldier that took the rightmost wit space in turn 1. This makes her leftmost spawn a safe spot for my soldier, where it could not possibly be captured. So I move my soldier there. This was likely a mistake, as it reveals to my opponent my soldier's position. I suppose I could have put my soldier a hex to the northwest of the spawn space, and it would have remained in my opponent's fog of war. However, I still didn't know where her runner was, so I didn't know the extent of her fog of war, and I figured that with this move, she'd see my soldier anyway, so why worry about the spawn space?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As a side note, it could be that the appearance of an advanced soldier from the fog of war could potentially give one's opponent the idea that your forces in general are getting dangerously advanced. The goal here, I suppose, would be to throw your opponent into a panic in the hope that she would make a mistake upon which you may capitalize.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But I'm not thinking of psychological warfare here. I am only looking for the most advanced position possible where I can safely put my units. This space appeared to be safe.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In that sense, it seems clear that I have room to advance my heavy and sniper, so I do so. The medic comes along to ensure the heavy remains healthy.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Turn 7 (elle): Here it appears that the appearance of my soldier and heavy have prompted my opponent to move her forces in that direction in order to defend. Not a bad idea.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Turn 8 (Erenan): Now I know where my opponent's soldier is! However, I want some additional visibility on the right side, so I move my runner over to fill in some of that ground.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I don't spot any new units, so I'm still not sure where my opponent's runner, sniper, and medic are located. But I do know they're not on the right edge of the map.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">On that note, my opponent has had four turns. This means her sniper could be near enough to take out my soldier if I don't move it. Advancing seems like a bad idea, so I retreat instead. My soldier forms a wall with my heavy, and I move my medic to buff the soldier. I'm careful to ensure it cannot be reached by my opponent's heavy or soldier.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I advance my sniper, as it seems perfectly safe to do so, and I gain nothing by leaving it where it is.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Turn 9 (elle): This turn appears to be done in the interest of gaining visibility on the right side, probably just watching out for my runner in the interest of protecting her medic, as she can already see my heavy and soldier, and she knows where my medic is (she saw it buff my soldier).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Turn 10 (Erenan): I advance my soldier to a point where it cannot be attacked by both heavy and soldier. This move was a mistake on my part. Clearly my opponent's sniper might have been capable of moving within range (in fact, it was). Nevertheless, I move my heavy forward to help if needed.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I advance my runner a bit more to gain that extra little inch of visibility, careful to ensure it cannot be within range of my opponent's sniper, which could theoretically still be hiding in the fog where it started. However, I spot the runner there instead. Now, I'll know exactly where her runner is on the next turn, even if it moves back into the fog of war.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Knowing where my opponent's runner is, I can easily calculate where I can safely put my medic and sniper.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Turn 11 (elle): My opponent moves her runner up and gains visibility of all five of my units. This is her chance. After gaining perfect information, and seeing that she could capture my soldier, she should attempt to work out who would come out ahead in a direct exchange of units. To me it looks as though she would win.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Very briefly, what would probably happen, as best as I can work it out:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">She takes my soldier with her heavy and sniper</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I take her heavy with my heavy and sniper</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">She takes my heavy with her soldier and sniper</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I take her sniper with my sniper</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">She takes my sniper with her soldier</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I cannot recapture with only a runner</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">She is left with a soldier and I'm left with a runner: elle wins!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But this doesn't happen. Instead, she leaves her units where they are.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Turn 12 (Erenan): I inch my runner forward, hoping to spot my opponent's sniper in the fog, but there's no sniper there.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I know where her runner, heavy, and soldier are, so I can work out safe spots for my soldier. I find an advanced position along the side where I know it cannot be captured, even if my opponent's sniper is right next to it. Her heavy, soldier, and runner cannot reach it, and the sniper alone doesn't have enough firepower. I find a spot where my medic could hop down to heal it if necessary (or the soldier could hop back up to be healed) where it cannot be reached by opponent's runner (it's blocked by my heavy).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I advance my sniper, which is still perfectly safe from harm.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Turn 13 (elle): My opponent moves her sniper toward where my soldier has just moved, probably a good idea.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">She moves her soldier down on the right side. I'm not sure, but I figure she's watching out for my runner, which she knows is already over there somewhere. She doesn't spot it with the soldier, so she moves her runner over to where it was last seen. She finds it and attacks it, bringing it down to one health.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Turn 14 (Erenan): I return the attack upon my opponent's runner (might as well), and retreat it. I cannot ensure my runner's survival here. However, I make sure to put the runner somewhere as close to my sniper as possible. It seems here that if I move my sniper northeast one hex, then if my opponent were to follow my runner to finish it off, I would be able to move my sniper within range to recapture. So I follow this plan.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I now know where all of my opponent's units are except for her sniper, which could only be in one of a handful of still fog-covered hexes at this point. I work out where her heavy, soldier, and runner can reach, and I position my heavy and soldier in as advanced positions as possible where they yet cannot be captured.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I move my medic to a safe spot where it can reach either my heavy or my soldier if necessary.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Turn 15 (elle): My opponent wisely does not capture my runner. Doing so would have meant the loss of her runner as well. In this "no-spawns" game, losing your runner is a very bad thing. Visibility is extremely important.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Unfortunately, her runner's new position does not gain her enough information. She advances her sniper to the left without knowing for sure whether it will be safe there. She uncovers my soldier but cannot capture it. She already moved her heavy, soldier, and runner, so she cannot attempt to move them into position to recapture if I should capture her sniper. She might have benefited from moving the sniper first here, since then she could have moved her soldier and heavy to help take my soldier if necessary.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Turn 16 (Erenan): I know where most of my opponent's units are now, so it's easy to work out where the safe spots are. I see that if I move my medic down on the left side to heal my soldier, my medic will still be safe. Furthermore, I see that if I move my healed soldier forward to capture the sniper, my opponent will not be able to recapture. This seems like the opportune moment, so I buff my soldier and take the sniper.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I move my sniper to make room for my runner and retreat my runner a bit further to keep it safe until I can heal it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My heavy is advanced as far as it can be without putting it in danger, so I leave it where it is.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Turn 17 (elle): My opponent moves her runner and attacks my soldier. I suspect that she thought my medic was adjacent to this hex and that it would be within range to capture it. However, I was careful to keep it out of range, so she attacks my soldier instead. Even attacking with her soldier as well isn't enough to take my soldier out, but she nevertheless moves her heavy in to help on the next turn.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Turn 18 (Erenan): I capture the runner with my soldier. Advancing my sniper and runner, I see where my opponent's heavy is, so I retreat my soldier and heal it, careful to keep my medic out of reach of my opponent's attacking units.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">At this point, I realize that I can advance my heavy by a single hex without putting it in danger, so I do so.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Turn 20 (Erenan): I see my opponent move her heavy further away from the center, and I decide that the center is where this game will end. I heal my runner and move it to capture the medic. I advance my central attacking units and move my soldier up to support the offensive. At this point, my opponent has no good moves to make. On the next turn, I'll either capture one of her remaining two units or destroy her base.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Turn 22 (Erenan): The game is over.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Until next time...</span>Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-24760701538356366582013-04-04T19:59:00.000-07:002013-04-04T20:13:42.521-07:00RE: Radiohead's "Pyramid Song": Ambiguity, Rhythm, and Participation<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Music notation is descriptive. There is no single absolutely correct way of transcribing any piece of music any more than there is a single absolutely correct way to express particular fractions. 1/2 is 2/4 is 4/8 is 8/16. Not a single one of these is incorrect.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">However, it behooves us to transcribe music in such a manner that it is readily understandable and indicates the correct feel of the music. A person reading and playing from the score, assuming they are reasonably capable on their instrument, should be able to reproduce the music accurately. With respect to this particular goal, certain ways of transcribing a piece of music are obviously better than certain others.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">There have been inordinate measures of discussion concerning Radiohead's "Pyramid Song" from their album <i>Amnesiac</i>. It's an excellent song, definitely worthy of analysis, and given that the rhythm is relatively unusual for a piece of music written by a rock group, the amount of discussion is perhaps understandable. In fact, for as long as I've been aware of Radiohead, my opinion has been that, in spite of all the talk of their purported innovation and weirdness, the best things they have going for them are: first and most importantly, a firm sense of effective melodic and harmonic content; and secondly and slightly less importantly, a special talent for arrangement and production that lends their work a certain uniqueness and importance within the music world. They matter in a musico-historical sense, but not because they are weird or innovative (they aren't especially weird or </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">innovative</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, in fact). They matter because of compositional prowess.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Having said that, "Pyramid Song" is a special example of a piece of music that uses nonstandard rhythms in an effective way that benefits the music significantly, rather than using them for the sake of being unusual. Melodically and harmonically, it is very well written. Rhythmically, it is also very well written, and unusual rhythms are definitely my compositional specialty. So to me, it is not surprising that it has generated so much discussion so consistently. The discussion apparently goes on even today.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">In the March 2013 issue of </span><a href="http://mtosmt.org/" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>Music Theory Online</i></a><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">, Nathan D. Hesselink offers </span><a href="http://mtosmt.org/issues/mto.13.19.1/mto.13.19.1.hesselink.php" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">his thorough take on the song</a><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">, compiling a comprehensive list of analyses of the song's rhythm. Unfortunately, the simplest and clearest interpretation in my estimation receives relatively little coverage. Two of the comments made under the mixed meter subheading hit the mark exactly, but none of the example images highlight these, though some are close.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">In my opinion, the best way to write it is as follows:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Consistent cycles of 3/4, 2/4, and 3/4 throughout the entire song. The lengths of the five chords in each cycle are two dotted quarters, a half, followed by two more dotted quarters. It is swung, so that odd numbered eighth notes are twice as long as even numbered eighths, as though we were dealing with triplets. Thus, in terms of the feel of the music, the 3/4 bars have 9 atomic note lengths, while the 2/4 bars have 6. What I mean is that if you divide the 3/4 bars into 9 equal pieces and the 2/4 bars into 6 equal pieces, this is sufficient to depict every note in exact detail. The first chord is 5 atoms long, the second is 4, the third is 6, the fourth is 5, and the fifth is 4.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Thus, you could theoretically describe the music as cycles of 9/8, 6/8, and 9/8 as some have suggested. However, this requires tying notes together just about everywhere and needlessly complicating the score. It is far simpler to use 3/4, 2/4, and 3/4 and then plainly indicate the feel of the swing at the top of the score. This requires absolutely no ties, and correctly indicates what's going on.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Compare and decide for yourself. This...</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdJAYBSDUwiJax2MxZa2nMV9CiCHeDkryMg7PDisRv7B8qtkw8ewPHYXX0cnUE0Y5BoH4YgHwdkrEDR48opU5qblcGdoGfr-o9GQ9YZiKVR_aMfg8ef5SXgKEh-B5aKb4FiukIKFVJSA/s1600/ConfusingTiesPyramidSong.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="136" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdJAYBSDUwiJax2MxZa2nMV9CiCHeDkryMg7PDisRv7B8qtkw8ewPHYXX0cnUE0Y5BoH4YgHwdkrEDR48opU5qblcGdoGfr-o9GQ9YZiKVR_aMfg8ef5SXgKEh-B5aKb4FiukIKFVJSA/s400/ConfusingTiesPyramidSong.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">...is technically equivalent to this...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Which do you prefer?</span></div>
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Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-78059803416104211822013-03-22T10:59:00.000-07:002013-03-22T10:59:42.662-07:00What Happens When You Complete "A Man and His Droid"<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My dreams last night were weird. It's kind of a jumbly haze now, or perhaps a hazy jumble, but the main thing is that it's hard to express clearly what happened.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I think I was driving in a car with <a href="http://www.xkcd.com/">Randall Munroe</a> and we were trying to get to the top of an extremely tall parking structure. For some reason, it was necessary to collect a variety of different species of octopuses on the way, and in fact, I think collecting these cephalopods and organizing them in some important fashion was somehow the means by which we were travelling up the structure. Frustratingly, they were bigger than regular octopuses, and they were angry and mean and hostile to us and kept trying to attack our vehicle. And to make matters worse, Randall and I couldn't agree on the order in which the many monstrous mollusks should be gathered. It was a losing arrangement from the get-go.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And then at some point I think we gathered enough of the eight-leggers to be awarded a private concert given by <a href="http://www.dgmlive.com/rf/">Robert Fripp</a>. Unexpectedly, he was a stop-motion animated clay Fripp. And he had five torsos. And rainbow colored hair. And his hair was in the form of large bundles of wheat.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So that was fairly normal, but otherwise, I seem to recall that my dreams were weird last night. I just can't really remember any of the weird parts.</span>Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-69423390649252346362013-03-16T03:09:00.000-07:002013-04-10T21:34:13.007-07:007DRL Challenge 2013: Uushuvud (End of Day Five)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnNDGgiZgHV5e_ryQNUNqq0Sr459hSDlQK1Bs5vWY6N-ABXsXpUikVKpR_jpDJrhtKgPRHTO4tHsKcapW4am7sS_VNM5MRFh6zyH_Mfj0J4yOWclFgjNDJUXuwZWXYnb3G0r66AoBb6Q/s1600/UushuvudScreenshot6.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="298" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnNDGgiZgHV5e_ryQNUNqq0Sr459hSDlQK1Bs5vWY6N-ABXsXpUikVKpR_jpDJrhtKgPRHTO4tHsKcapW4am7sS_VNM5MRFh6zyH_Mfj0J4yOWclFgjNDJUXuwZWXYnb3G0r66AoBb6Q/s400/UushuvudScreenshot6.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMEcLlJzSChqSZlM2qvp-tMkGjFqvdOasaPNcYGwAZx4wFLiZj8GSS0rBPFwg0rcUurFD8pWx6sKPFB4KOhLdJ9aWeHWYETSgY7_BzVJ9FW7zSswwJfAMLmHbrJLCw01IAyGf4YST8vw/s1600/UushuvudScreenshot5.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="298" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMEcLlJzSChqSZlM2qvp-tMkGjFqvdOasaPNcYGwAZx4wFLiZj8GSS0rBPFwg0rcUurFD8pWx6sKPFB4KOhLdJ9aWeHWYETSgY7_BzVJ9FW7zSswwJfAMLmHbrJLCw01IAyGf4YST8vw/s400/UushuvudScreenshot5.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">A rough Windows only version of <i>Uushuvud </i>is complete. You can download it <a href="http://www.mediafire.com/?jcajj2vxmthyc1o">here</a>. I hope, I hope, I hope that it will run on your machine.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Glory!</i></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In <i>Uushuvud</i>, you have mysteriously been transported into another world called Uushuvud, where your head has mysteriously been transformed into an '@' symbol. You must attempt to survive long enough to find out what's going on and how you might be able to get your head back to normal and get home.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Controls:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Keypad/Arrow Keys: Move or attack adjacent enemies</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">P: Pick up items</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">R: Read books</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">H: Use health potion (restores 20 HP)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">T: Use teleport potion (randomly teleports you somewhere within a ~60 cell x ~60 cell square area around your current location)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">E: Use explode potion (hits all enemies within 5 cells of your location with fire)<br />X: End level (only valid in "end-of-level" temple (a big room with a small room inside with a lighter floor color))</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Q: Quit (no confirmation dialog at all; this will immediately close the program)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Known issues:</span><br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Swords appear as black squares. I haven't been able to figure out why.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">When you die, the program instantly closes. There is no "You died! Sorry!" screen or anything.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The enemies get stuck on rocks and walls easily.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The game is a little hard. This is a feature, not a bug. It's a roguelike.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Tablespoons" is misspelled in the partial apple pie recipe. You might say this is an issue so minor that a point on a "known issues" list isn't warranted, but think again! The pies come out tasting weird. Does this sound unimportant to you?</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Tips:</span></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Don't accidentally press 'Q'. You will lose your progress.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Pick up every potion in a level before travelling to the next one. This is especially true on early levels where the situation isn't very dangerous. You will need those potions later.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The number printed before weapons and armor is the level of the item, not a quantity. I know it looks weird, but whatever...</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If you pick up a weapon or armor, you will discard your current weapon or armor. It is gone forever, so don't pick up equipment that's worse than what you already have.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Try to avoid using explode potions on single enemies. The ability to attack multiple nearby enemies at once is valuable. Try to lure them together.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The enemies get stuck on rocks and walls easily. You can use this fact to help you escape when running low on HP and potions.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Beware of <a href="http://subterranean-ether.blogspot.com/2012/09/dreams-of-swaly-gaum.html">Gaums</a>.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Spears and axes are generally the best weapons, followed by swords and maces, then clubs, and finally daggers. However, when choosing which weapon to use, also consider the weapon's level. A 12 Dagger is better than a 1 Spear.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Armor from worst to best: Leather, Iron, Steel, Tempered Steel, Perfect Steel</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Seriously, beware of <a href="http://subterranean-ether.blogspot.com/2012/09/dreams-of-swaly-gaum.html">Gaums</a>. They are mean.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">When you level up, your HP increases and is restored to its maximum. Watch your EXP and consider whether health potions might be saved until after you level up.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">For that matter, keep an eye on your HP at all times.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Have I mentioned to beware of <a href="http://subterranean-ether.blogspot.com/2012/09/dreams-of-swaly-gaum.html">Gaums</a>?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Good luck!</span></li>
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Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-69954277604039167662013-03-15T11:22:00.002-07:002013-03-15T11:22:49.314-07:007DRL Challenge 2013: Uushuvud (Halfway through Day Five)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwwW4bCUFNh9xYyarZikPsuDLYqRql4MJsd6ZK-6FR0-IQwVaTjeCTuL9CKFK4T7yV-sliNWrKl6jo_svizMzkZ4RR4F3wrAT5CkV9E1epX5Lot8WMIcfK-nS1nPdrqCr_mEYFOUk5vw/s1600/UushuvudScreenshot4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwwW4bCUFNh9xYyarZikPsuDLYqRql4MJsd6ZK-6FR0-IQwVaTjeCTuL9CKFK4T7yV-sliNWrKl6jo_svizMzkZ4RR4F3wrAT5CkV9E1epX5Lot8WMIcfK-nS1nPdrqCr_mEYFOUk5vw/s400/UushuvudScreenshot4.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Things are coming together. Still not quite there yet, but it's looking good!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm going to be out of town for the weekend, so today is the last day that I can really work on this. That means if I succeed, this will be a 5DRL! If not, then oh well.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I think I can manage it!!!</span>Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-90691822710903207822013-03-14T21:55:00.004-07:002013-03-14T22:46:14.987-07:007DRL Challenge 2013: Uushuvud (Day Four)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhyAQVXiIWgzSiziiNtjSHWoYp8ZwDKx-CYnY5-164PLdoM31mkImoG-V16WKynnUihndAoR0HJ3PiDu-Ar3sjvY9FataoS1Zze6SjMt9c58o-PCTCvMxgb9tkJZXA-p20Kt86AWXKrQ/s1600/UushuvudScreenshot2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhyAQVXiIWgzSiziiNtjSHWoYp8ZwDKx-CYnY5-164PLdoM31mkImoG-V16WKynnUihndAoR0HJ3PiDu-Ar3sjvY9FataoS1Zze6SjMt9c58o-PCTCvMxgb9tkJZXA-p20Kt86AWXKrQ/s400/UushuvudScreenshot2.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8Le58Va32_mB1VoZeqQDUac_IxHLLiRLyjKfWGsYhvv1RU2OE0cpQ_s6p50wr9Rdf06ourxIbDq39xIjnAua6quoAkJQGka79uRVfviVfszI6iLWGMlC0xK2nqAYWbV0u9bSRZHfR8A/s1600/UushuvudScreenshot3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8Le58Va32_mB1VoZeqQDUac_IxHLLiRLyjKfWGsYhvv1RU2OE0cpQ_s6p50wr9Rdf06ourxIbDq39xIjnAua6quoAkJQGka79uRVfviVfszI6iLWGMlC0xK2nqAYWbV0u9bSRZHfR8A/s400/UushuvudScreenshot3.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">There's actually not a lot left to do. Running into bugs now though, so I'm going to keep this entry very short.</span>Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33726689825711144.post-18507207892707940682013-03-14T06:35:00.000-07:002013-03-14T06:35:03.645-07:007DRL Challenge 2013: Uushuvud (Day Three)<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">No screenshot today, but there will be probably be one tomorrow. You'll have to be patient. :P</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My efforts for day three progressed smoothly. I spent a little time tweaking the level generation, but I kept this to a minimum and focused this time only on fixing real problems with it. Aside from that, I got my item and creature data into a much better state than it was in at the end of day two.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If I release the source code at the end of all this, then some might notice </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">that I am hard coding all my data into tables compiled directly into the program </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">and wonder why I'm doing this. The answer is twofold.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">First, I'm used to programming for embedded systems with no file I/O at all.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Second, I'm trying to manage my time wisely. For this project, this means not mucking around with file I/O routines. It's a small game. There's no real need to have my data stored in external files. And there's not going to be any save/restore feature. You have to get through the game in a single go. So there's no file I/O, and I can spend my time working on other stuff.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Last time I tried a 7DRL, I got so carried away with level generation that I think I spent three or four days just on that. There wasn't enough time for everything else, and the game slipped past the seven day mark, and then the fourteen day mark, and now it's more like seven months.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I guess level generation is kind of my thing. I've already spent more time on it for <i>Uushuvud</i> than I had originally intended, but I just really wanted it to be good, even though it's a 7DRL project. That means, first and foremost: No unreachable areas.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">My algorithm right now could theoretically produce unreachable areas, but I'm pretty sure it's about 1:10000 for that to happen, and probably like 1:80000 for an unreachable area with important stuff in it (the exit, the player's starting point, etc.). If I make another small change I'm planning that'll take me four seconds, it'll be more like 1:204800000, not really a concern. I'm tempted to write a quick check function that verifies a level has no unreachable areas before showing it to the player, but I really just want to get on with other stuff. Maybe if there's time at the end of development...</span>Erenanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17727748726607756131noreply@blogger.com0